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Parental Bootcamp

It’s been eight and a half months since my son was born. And I’m just now starting to get the hang of this whole parenting thing. The sleepless nights, sleep-walking days, endless baby food crusted everywhere and purse filled with baby bottles are now starting to become just another part of the routine, like brushing my teeth and putting in my contacts. But it seriously has taken over eight months to somewhat figure these things out. Seems like quite a large learning curve, huh?

When I was pregnant, I read all the requisite books on everything that was happening to my body, what would happen in labor, the right kind of crib to buy, the safest carseat, etc. While all those things are important, I wish I would’ve been WAY more informed on what it was like to actually have a new baby. A pre-natal program for soon-to-be-first-time-parents. Like bootcamp.

It wouldn’t even have to be that in-depth. Just a few, well-chosen seminars to help new parents learn the essential survival skills and build self-esteem. A kind of Outward Bound for expecting couples.

How do these classes sound?

One-Handed Eating 102: Learn to consume any food of your choosing using only one of your hands, as the other will be occupied by a screaming newborn.

Self-Restraint 306: Discover techniques to resist impulse purchases made while watching infomercials and the Home Shopping Channel at 3am while nursing your baby.

Flashcards 101: In this class, you will make notecards of important information such as your name, address, phone number, age and husband’s name to be used when your brain is in total meltdown mode because you’ve had four-and-a-half hours of sleep over two weeks.

Snapping 908A: Discover the secret of “snaps”–fifteen second zone-out “naps.” Learn how to utilize them while doing almost anything including showering, peeing and paying bills.

Speed-Packing 203: At the end of this class, you’ll be able to pack four bottles, a light-up keychain toy, a baggie of cheerios, your wallet, cell phone, diapers, wipes, diaper cream, antibacterial hand lotion and pacifier into a tiny handbag. Prerequisite: Preparing To Leave the House 105

Any takers?