How bad do mammograms hurt?

They hurt like hell. So NOT my idea of a good time.
Filed under: Health

3 Min ReadJune 15, 2015Jessica Carlson

Older woman arriving for mammogram

I had my first mammogram yesterday.

After it was done, I ran though a mental checklist of things that would have been much more pleasant -- chewing glass, having a toe amputated, sticking a needle in my eye, eating goose poop. These came to me in a steady stream as I winced and said, "Ow. Ow. Ow" through the process.

The nurse was nice enough to warn me at least. She said, "You know a lot of women complain about how painful this test is, but I think you'll find that it isn't as bad as everyone says."

"Thanks a lot," I thought to myself, "I actually hadn't heard that it was painful, but thanks for that, especially after the 45 minute wait. Awesome."

First of all, it's awkward, because you have a female nurse man-handling your breasts and then she puuuulllls them and stretches them every which way. Whenever I tell women my experience they like to tell me it's worse when you have less as they point their fingers towards my chest, making a circle in the air. They claim I have more so they, the tiny titty committee, must have had it worse. Not sure I buy this. Smaller breasts mean there's less to squeeze and squish in between those large plastic plates.

Seriously, I have red marks  above my boobs like I've been attacked by a mountain lion.  I've had to take ibuprofen every 6 hours from last night until this morning and I'm still in excruciating pain. It has now been over 24 hours and the pain still throbs and burns. There is no way that can be good for your breast tissue.

Screw the dangers of radiation, I feel like the damage to my breasts is enough to cause cancer even if there was no trace to begin with. I hear stories from people all the time, where an injury later developed into cancer in that area. While doctors and scientists poo-poo the idea, I'd like to see more research on it.

We are fragile beings. My boobies are fragile. This just isn't right!

When the mammogram procedure was done, I even told the nurse that she was dead wrong. It is as bad she claims everyone says. The whole experience sucked the big one. I was too young to get it done anyway, I boasted. "I'm 38." She wasn't impressed. She told me that the first mammogram should be between the age of 35 and 40 and then it was to be done every 2 years until 50 and then it's to be done every year.

The only reason I even did it was because my OB-GYN wouldn't renew my birth control pills without my having it done, so he had me over a barrel. If you lived with my two boys, you would know what I mean.

This experience has taught me two things:

a) I need to get a new GYNE and
b) breasts were never meant to be compressed like a stale piece of gum, stuck to a cheap pair of shoes.

So now you know the truth. No use sugar coating it -- mammograms really hurt. They're painful. And they suck big hairy monkey balls. My advice -- book your appointment after happy hour and bring with you a designated driver.