FILED IN: Mominatrix

Vortex Vibrations sucks — in a good way.

While I’d like to think there’s always room for sex toy talk over cheez-its and wine at your weekly playdate, chances are you never get past the boring weekly round up of bad poop explosions and breastfeeding blunders.

Shopping for sexual aids has certainly become easier thanks to the internet, but reading someone else’s recommendation about such a personal product isn’t the same as giving it a test drive yourself. But unlike most toys, the sex kind don’t usually come with a return policy. So either you’re stuck with a bunch of crappy dildos or you decide to join the rest of the local wives club perusing the “back massagers” at Sharper Image.

So as the self-proclaimed mistress of mom sex, I’ll be offering my opinion on various sex toys that happen to come across my bed. Rest assured, my reviews will pertain to fairly parent-centric gadgets — no ball gags or weird rubber suits with breathing tubes here. Just plain old sex gear that doesn’t require loads of sleep, above average finger dexterity, and a master’s degree in weird sex fetishes to operate.

With that in mind, I couldn’t help myself when I found a link to the clitoral stimulator, Vortex Vibrations. It’s not so much that I deeply enjoy clitoral stimulation, I mean, who doesn’t? But when I learned that it was powered by an everyday vacuum cleaner, I did a triple take.

I’m not exactly sure nor do I really want to think about how someone, or in this case, inventor Joanne Drysdale, figured out that the suction of a vacuum cleaner attachment could get them off, but as luck would have it, she did. Perhaps like me, the vacuum cleaner was the bane of her existence and she decided to make it do more than just occupy the corner of her room.

In any case, the Vortex Vibrations is comprised of two plastic purple tubes (the introducer and the seducer — depending on the type of orgasm you are going for) with arch shaped cut outs. You slide one side onto your vacuum attachment, and position the other side ever so carefully over your clitoris which begins to vibrate in a bizarre yet titillating manner.

Now let me just say, I’m not a leg up and hand mirror kind of gal, so searching for my clitoris and attempting to spread the lips while reaching to turn on the vacuum was not pretty. In fact, it made inserting a tampon look like a striptease. And my fear of having my privates sucked into oblivion almost made me think twice.

But alas, the two-minute seven second orgasm that the packaging touts was enough for me to suck it up (ah the puns), turn the thing on, and give it a whirl. And after only a few seconds of fumbling around (which is about 1/967 of the amount of time it usually takes me), I decided that I kind of like vacuum cleaners.

A lot.

Clearly if it takes you the length of a labor and delivery to orgasm, then you might want to try this out. In fact, when I was able to get past the weird buzzing feeling and the flapping of my labia like a drunk seagull trying to stay in the air, I was fairly taken aback by how quickly I came.

However, there’s certainly a conflict of emotions when you’re experiencing a mad orgasm to the loud buzz of the household appliance you use to suck up dog hairs and food crumbs (or at least, that’s what I think it’s for). It almost has the desperation of a jailed drug addict sucking hand sanitizer wipes to get drunk — “Crazed sex deprived mom masturbates with vacuum cleaner until her private parts get sucked right off her body.” And really, who wants to look at a dirty vacuum cleaner and hold the dusty cruddy attachment hose anywhere near her crotch?

Well, apparently I do since I used it for a good solid ten minutes without thinking twice.

Now, I had a little difficulty with the seducer, but the introducer, in my case, didn’t mess around. I do suggest you heed the thorough instructions and use a little lubricant. Even with my cheap old vacuum cleaner that requires me to roll over the same spot several times, I lost moisture pretty quickly. Anything over 600 watts is not recommended, so sorry ladies, no extra use for that shop vacuum sitting around in your garage collecting dust.

I will definitely say that if you’re a domestic goddess whose definition of foreplay is following the lines of their newly vacuumed carpet, then consider this your main entrée. No one will think twice hearing you vacuum for six hours every day, and quite frankly, you’ll garner quite a good housekeeper reputation from the neighbors. And considering the speed in which I achieved climax, you could easily vacuum your whole house and get off a good many times, all within your regularly allotted cleaning schedule. And if you’re worried about your kids discovering your “electric ear cleaner,” Vortex Vibrations just looks like a pretty purple vacuum attachment.

But unless you can find time during the day, or your baby is lulled to sleep by the sound of a buzzing dirt sucker, it is a bit cumbersome and not the most convenient of sex toys. I’m pretty sure there’s no way I could explain a hankering for vacuuming at midnight on a Tuesday. And holding a long tube up to your crotch, or worse, having your partner do it for you, doesn’t really make for the most romantic of settings. I’m thinking I’d rather watch my husband actually use the vacuum then have him try to use it on me.

Now if you could get off with Vortex Vibrations while actually vacuuming, then I’d say this is a definite purchase. While I’m all about great sex, I’m a multi-tasking mom as well. And much to my clean-obsessed spouse’s delight, I’d be spending way more time running the dirt sucker if I could clean up in more than one sense of the word.

Rating: 3/5 Whips

Vortex Vibrations, $60, Available here