FILED IN: Mominatrix

Shrinking your echo chamber.

We here in the United States are definitely a nation of big. We pump anything that walks with silicone and hormones, and admire the large and in charge because everything is better when it’s bigger.

Except vaginas, that is.

Dear Mominatrix, Does a vagina return to its original size after enduring childbirth? If so, how long does it take and do Kegels really help the cause?

I recently shared my own personal experience, with an elusive post-partum vagina discussion. Apparently we’re free to chat about everything else, including hemorrhoids, constipation, and cracked nipples, but if anyone dare mention her vagina that’s about two inches from dragging her underpants, all hell will break loose.

Considering that the vagina is a muscle, exercises such as kegels can definitely make a difference — that is if you can do them on a regular basis without skeeving yourself out. It’s one thing to squeeze your PC muscles during hot sex for a more heightened climax, but the thought of randomly exercising them at random times during the day, like say tea with your mother-in-law or while staring at your son’s naked poop covered ass, can give many women the shivers.

Of course, no gynecologist ever tells you that doing kegels will allow you to maintain some sense of post-partum dignity. So what if they’ll make for a quicker post-labor recovery and less pee accidents. Just tell me if I don’t do them I’ll be randomly dropping tampons around my neighborhood and queefing louder than a drunk trucker and I’ll be doing kegels so much that my vagina will look like Kenny Rogers after his last face lift. 

Unfortunately, there’s only so much that pre- and post-partum kegels can do. Just like my formerly flat stomach that is currently less like a six-pack and more like a party ball, your vagina may never be exactly the same as it was before you pushed a large baby through it. That’s not to say kegels won’t help you. But know that many women do find that their vagina becomes increasingly less taut after each child.

So, in addition to a regular kegel regimen, I suggest the use of ben-wa balls. There are varying types, shapes, and sizes of ben-wa balls, however many folks recommend the “smart balls” (seems like an oxymoron, I know) because they are ergonomically shaped and easy to clean. Simply insert one at a time, squeeze your PC muscle, and then pull gently on the string. Rumor has it that your exercises can be made much more exciting with balls that vibrate.

And finally, if desperation has totally set in, you could invest in a vaginal rejuvenation. For a fairly hefty price, you can have some friendly doctor laser your vaginal walls and tighten your girl  up. While perhaps a bit on the extreme side, the prospect of walking around with a now gaping hole in your undercarriage might just be the motivation you need.

But before you go under the knife, I suggest making sure that it’s definitely your pussy that’s the problem. It’s true that vaginas get more than their fair share of a workout during labor and delivery, but parenting and sleep deprivation can certainly do a number on a dick. So while you might be stretched out, chances are, he’s probably got shrinkage.