Attention concerned citizens! The Mominatrix has been informed that there is a group of women called OneMillionMoms.com — or actually 603 according to Twitter — who have taken up a cause that may be of your interest as a parent. Apparently, they are boycotting Rite-Aid, Walgreens, and CVS and urging other moms, like us, to urge them to stop selling SEX TOYS or they will shop elsewhere.
The end is nigh! Our drug stores are now looking like "adult fantasy stores!" And it is your rightful duty to protect your children from "v*br*tors, d*ld*s and other s*x toys."
Now, when I first heard the news about nationwide drug store chains carrying sex toys or "massagers" as they're being called on the site, at the Durex "Get a Room" party in New York City a couple of months ago, I was quite thrilled. While the Internet has been helpful in providing parents with easier access to sex toys and other goodies, most moms don't frequent sites like EdenFantasys.com or Babeland.com on a regular basis. The discreet ordering and excellent selection at these online storefronts are certainly an advantage, but if you're not actually looking to buy a new vibrator or dildo, then these sites, as mom-friendly as they might be, are missing a huge market of women who don't feel comfortable or might not even consider shopping there.
But now that you can purchase vibrators at your local drug store, you don't actually have to be in the market for one to buy it. Perhaps you're in the store looking for school supplies or Advil and spy a sex toy in your periphery. Talk about impulse shopping at its finest. And if you do all your drugstore purchases online, then you're at an even bigger advantage. They'll pack your toy right in with your vitamins and tampons, and you get to avoid the awkward moments watching the 17-year-old high school boy swipe your "massager" across the scanner.
However, if One Million Moms have their way, you will no longer be able to experience the convenience of sex toy purchases at your local drug store. Children will see them — in the store and on the site — and then those moms will have to talk to their children about THE DEVIL SEX.
Better to have them figure it out on their own because historically speaking, that's been so successful.
Just ask the girls on 16 and Pregnant.
I'd argue that God created the people who created sex toys. And sex toys make people happy — in such a short amount of time that they would still have a few minutes left over to pray. They might even help keep people married.
And they might even prevent girls from having sex before they're ready. Or at least, having bad sex, which is definitely a sin.
Instead of spending all their time protesting sex toys, maybe they should focus their energy on something more important, like taking that stick out of their ass and putting something a little more satisfying in it.
Lucky for them, all they have to do is walk to their local CVS to buy it.
So if you protest the OneMillionMoms.com boycott, do the public a service and head over to your local drugstore and buy a few.