Sometimes all a sex life needs is a couple of sex toys and a well-timed reach around. Add in a little extra lube, a sex pillow, and some erotic romance novels and you might just be good as new. Or even better than you were before.
But in some cases, there's just no amount of battery operated devices or blow jobs that can make a difference.
Recently, I've received a slew of emails from both men or women, all of which tell the same story: I'm doing everything that I can to get my partner to have sex with me and he/she just doesn't want to. What am I doing wrong?
Of course, the issue can be pretty complex since sex drive is often tied to much more than just the physical act of intercourse, even for men. The word "everything" needs to encompass acts outside of the bedroom, too, like participating in your kids' lives, showing your spouse appreciation that doesn't involve ass smacks or crotch grabs, and just being present in your relationship.
Same goes for the ladies. It's hard out there for a baby daddy too.
And then you have to consider personal roadblocks that your partner may be experiencing, which could be anything from body issues and fatigue to discomfort and pain.
If you're doing what you say you are, which is showing interest and initiating sex and not being an asshole otherwise, then you may be dealing with a bigger issue, and one that can't be solved with a garter belt and a pair of handcuffs.
Sex is as much a mental act as it is physical, and if the switch has been turned to off in his (or her) head, it's going to take something you just can't purchase at a sex toy shop. It's going to take therapy.
For many people, the idea of therapy equals failure, a veritable erection killer or libido execution, because they couldn't fix their problems on their own. But given the discomfort that couples often have when it comes to talking about sex, especially when it has to do with what's not working, seeking the help of a third party might be the simplest and most direct way to solve whatever problems you might be having.
Having a buffer, a completely neutral, non-judgmental party who isn't emotionally involved in your relationship, might just be the hottest thing you could do for your sex life. Because talking about what's missing is the first step to figuring out how to get it back.
You saw your partner have a baby and then endured the first, second, however many years together as parents, so talking about what's not working in the bedroom should be a walk in the park. Much easier than potty training a kid. Or even getting them to eat a green vegetable.
And you probably did both of those. Or at least give it a good old college try.
It's no secret that having kids can take a toll on even the hottest sexual relationship, so you shouldn't be completely surprised or embarrassed that you might need a little extra boost in that area to make things work again. The kids changed every other part of your life, so you can't expect your sex life to somehow be protected by a magical bubble.
In this case, the end result is what matters most. If you're not sexually satisfied in your relationship and what you're doing isn't working, take the next step. Forget that you might need a little blue pill, an extra large battery-powered penis, or the help of a trained professional. If it gets your sex life back on track, embrace it.
You owe it to yourself and your kids.