FILED IN: Mominatrix

How do you tell your husband he’s lousy in bed?

Dear Mominatrix: I love my husband — he's an amazing father and treats me like a queen, but he's not that skilled in the bedroom. Help! – S.

Well S., two out of three isn't that bad, but it's a fair complaint, and one that many women are too shy to share. And really, the idea of a guy who buys his wife presents and does the dishes is probably making a bunch of moms pretty horny right now.

Besides, it's nothing that a good vibrator couldn't solve for you.

But hey, who says you can't and shouldn't have it all?

Now, when men aren't so great in the bedroom, the first thought would be whether they've actually had sex with someone else other than you. Or at least, someone else who's real and not made of plastic or a figment of their imagination.

If your husband wasn't a virgin when you got together, there's really only one person (or a bunch of people) to blame.

The other women.

The old girlfriends, fiances, or even the ex-wives who never gave the poor guy a hand.

(Not to be confused with a hand job).

Yes, when it comes to educating men on how to get a woman off, they can only watch so much porn, a super realistic portrayal of how sex usually looks between two normal people.

It's up to the partner to tell him what she likes or doesn't like, and then show him how to do it. Preferably on a consistent and efficient basis.

When you're with a guy and you fake an orgasm, or just let him ram you like a jackhammer with any appendage (tongue, dick, or hand), then you're not only doing yourself a disservice, you're screwing the rest of his partners out of a possible good time later on.

It's pretty easy to tell the difference between a guy who was taught by someone to do something specific that a particular partner liked and the guy who really has no fucking clue what he's doing and is just hoping that the combination of faster, better, harder that made the fake-boobed chick get fake-off on YouPorn will somehow work for you.

Even worse is when he actually thinks it's good.

There's a decent chance that his exes didn't have the heart to tell him and they masked their discomfort in moans, embarrassed by the idea that someone could actually think that those techniques made anyone have an orgasm. Or a real one, anyway.

So instead of holding him accountable for his clearly misguided attempts, blame the bitch(es) who didn't do their job, and show him how you like to be done. Slowly, patiently, and gently — being careful not to bruise his ego as badly as he's bruised your nether regions.

Instead of giving him commands that sound more like you're directing him on how to scratch your back, lower your voice and purr it to him, turning your instructions into dirty talk. Be direct, be clear, and for god sakes, be specific.

There's no way he won't understand, "Oh God, I love it when you put your fingers in my pussy and kiss it."

In fact, he might just find that hotter than his construction machinery routine.

And if he still doesn't get it, then it's all the more reason to keep trying. Verbal instruction is all well and good but practice makes perfect.