I have to admit that I dread Valentine’s Day every single year. Maybe I sound terribly unromantic to complain about a meaningful box of chocolates and a dozen insanely overpriced roses that don’t make it past the end of the week, by which point I’ve consumed all the chocolates and are sporting them on my ass and thighs. That’s topped only by the scary too-small thong and padded body-slimming nightgown that my husband grabbed off the racks at Target while shopping for toilet paper and shaving cream.
If you’re like me, then you’ve done the whole Valentine’s Day ritual, which includes some combination of uncomfortable lingerie, candlelit dinner, and fairly unmemorable sex, not because you’re not incredibly into it, but because after breastfeeding your child three to four times a night, you’re drunk and almost catatonic after one glass of champagne.
And really, what’s another diamond that your child will either rip off your neck or out of your ear, or use as a teething toy and possibly choke on?
So this year, instead of grabbing some random card with a bright red envelope and a few pairs of underpants that you’ll just end up using to toddler proof the kitchen cabinets, I’ve decided that perhaps Valentine’s Day should be more than just the end-all-be-all of romanticism. We all have about four thousand other things to do than sprinkle rose petals on a bed that probably hasn’t been properly slept in for a very long time. Maybe Valentine’s Day should be the beginning of a rekindling romance. Or better, a resolve to be attentive to the sexual needs of yourself and your partner all year long.
I mean, why just have hot sex on one stupid day out of the year when you should be doing it for the other 364 as well.
Okay. So we’re parents. While that might be overshooting it by 300 days, give or take a day thanks to the leap year, quite frankly, we all know better than to be sucked into this commercialized holiday that tries to sell us French maid costumes and vibrating love monkeys. And what will those dress-up clothes and toys that for most of us are strewn about our kids’ playrooms for us to dutifully fold and pack away on a daily basis do for our dwindling libidos?
If we really wanted to make the most of Valentine’s Day, we’d put away the cheesy musical cards and flavored love potions, and make a conscious decision to work on our love relationship. That means not just on February 14th, but the 15th, and for you crazy people, even the 16th. You know, when there aren’t red sequin heart panties blinding us from the aisles and only our regular boring routine that includes sex on a long list of other “to-dos” that often don’t just get done.
For some of you, it means making a joined effort to try new and exciting things in the bedroom. Grab a Karma Sutra book or subscribe to Babeland’s newsletter and try a new sexual position or a different sex toy each month. For others, it’s making time to have sex at least once a week, or even, once a month. Give up your lattes and use the extra cash to book a babysitter — or if you’re fortunate, your family members — well in advance, and try out some local bed and breakfasts. Besides, if they’re local, it’s not like you need to check out the scenery. The literal bed and breakfast is just perfect.
And for a few (or more) of you, it might be high time to sit down with your partner and seek some intensive relationship support, either through an online resource or a real-life counselor or therapist.
The Mominatrix is all for jumping on a bandwagon, or better, a band (of the British variety in particular), when it comes to anything having to do with sex. But instead of wasting all your hard saved energy and expectations on one special night, why make Valentine’s Day your sexual new year.
Besides, I’m betting the resolutions you make for this “new year” will be way more satisfying to keep.