FILED IN: Mominatrix


When it comes to scary moments, motherhood can beat out any horror movie hands down. A woman in labor could drown out even the best scream queen’s shrieks and Chucky is way cuter than a colicky baby.

Of course, most moms have been more than adequately warned thanks to the plethora of alarmist pregnancy books out there. They do their best to prepare you for the pain of labor and delivery, the lack of sleep, and the roller coaster ride that comes with caring for a new life.

Most of the time they just scare moms shitless.

But with everything that the books do discuss in gory detail, few, if any, address the havoc that childbirth wreaks on your vagina.

Now regardless of whether your baby slid right out of you like a giant turd, or whether you required the assistance of a hack job and a couple of spatulas moonlighting as medical tools, your vagina underwent something close to World War 2 in order to get that baby out. If it wasn’t obvious during the actual labor and delivery, then the pain killers, strategically placed ice packs, and incredibly lengthy bloody aftermath should make it pretty clear.

Most women wait until the dust has settled and the swelling as subsided before even thinking about taking a look at their post-partum vagina. They may be gluttons for punishment when it comes to stuffing themselves into their pre-pregnancy jeans and hopping on the scale just a few days post partum, but all women know that taking a peek at what remains of their flower must be done after the hormones have run their course and sanity is not just a figment of their imagination.

And even then many women don’t even bother.

Looking at your vagina too soon after giving birth should be on the depression screening pamphlet they give you when you’re discharged from the hospital.

Premature examination of your vagina might cause you feelings of loss and frustration,  and should not be attempted until you’ve been signed off by a health care professional.

Since the vagina is a muscle, chances are it will spring back into action – often times dependent on how in-shape it was prior to childbirth. Granted, the bits and pieces may have shifted during the baby’s exit, but for the most part, everything tends to fall back into place, or close to it.

However, as resilient as the vagina might be, it’s still fairly delicate. She’s not a hunky thigh or pectoral muscle, and even without accidental or purposeful cuts and scrapes, she might not be as familiar to you once you take a look. Add a few stitches into the mix and she may not be anything near the semblance of her old self. And since gynos aren’t plastic surgeons, they’re not necessarily concerned with your vagina’s youthful appearance.

So many women are left with a Frankengina.

It’s alive. It’s ALIVE!

Now the Frankengina is a complicated beast, not only because no one likes to talk about the monster in her underpants, but because it might not look as scary as it feels. Clearly vaginas aren’t the prettiest things on the planet, so if you haven’t examined your vagina in awhile, you may not notice her outer transformation. Rather, your monster will have undergone an invisible change that you’ll only really notice when you attempt to have sex or use a tampon. And then you realize you’re walking around with a dry, stretched out, and sometimes extremely uncomfortable monster with absolutely no one to talk to about it.

And to complicate matters even more, when you’ve created a monster, or worse, when a monster has been created for you by some careless doctor, it can not only affect your own sexual experience, but the experience of your spouse, who might not know how to tame your beast. And really, when you’re chasing after kids and just trying to make sure you remember to shave your pits during your brief, sporadic showers, it’s hard to sit down and discuss your Frankengina.

But the truth is, when you acknowledge the beast down below, you set him free. And when you bring him into the light, you realize that you’re not the only one with a monster in your closet.

Or a Frankengina under your skirt.