FILED IN: Mominatrix

How Not to Get Pregnant

© Can Stock Photo Inc. / konstantinks
© Can Stock Photo Inc. / konstantinks

If you’re just trying to catch your breath before getting knocked up again or are still deciding whether you’ll be adding more to your brood, you should probably consider using more than the pull-out method for birth control. And for the thousandth time, breastfeeding is not effective either. It just gives you a good excuse to keep your husband away from your boobs.

So unless you’re up for a surprise in about ten months or you’ve taken the motherly oath of celibacy, birth prevention should really be a top priority.

Now you’d think that after inventing a nuclear bomb, they would have created some type of oral birth control for men that would send the sperm swimming in the wrong direction, or at least render them catatonic for a short period of time. They’ve figured out how to clone sheep and yet the only way they can prevent sperm from leaving a penis and entering a vagina is by basically putting a cap on it?

If that’s not a call for women in science, I’m not sure what is.

Of course, the many, many, many options available to women are certainly effective for some and provide adequate prevention when used correctly. The bazillion different kinds of birth control pills can work well, but considering you’re probably forgetting the names of your kids these days, good luck trying to remember to take them. And if you’re already enjoying a hormonal roller coaster, they might just add more loops and drops to your already scary ride. The same goes for the Depo-Provera shot, which also gives you a70% chance of weight gain and an increased risk of osteoporosis. Just doesn’t quite seem to make it worth the stick.

Many women swear by the IUD (Intra Uterine Device), which is a small, clip-like object that’s inserted by your OB/GYN. While many women report having torrid affairs with this method, you may experience some extra bleeding, mood swings, and babies.


And if you want to avoid the chemicals, well then you’ve got to form an awkwardly intimate relationship with your cervix. Depending on how far up and back it is, by the time you get it in place, you might lose your window of opportunity to actually have sex.

All this is to say that birth control is probably going to be your job. And like your gyno has probably told you, it’s an extremely personal choice. But since you’ve barely got time to read your emails let alone a pamphlet at the doctor’s office, here’s a quick guide to birth control for parents:

Method of Birth Control Effectiveness Side Effects
Babysitting for the Duggars Extremely Bad Perm and new penchant for long skirts and names that start with J
Female Condom Think saran wrap Brain aneurysm. From trying to figure out how to put it on.
Sponge/Diaphragm Works if you can get it up there. Panic Attacks. From worrying that you won’t be able to get it out.
Counting Method Ha. Hahahahaha. Babies.
Pulling out Seriously? Do people still do this? More Babies.
Birth Control Pills Great, if you can remember A monthly week of insanity
Depo Provera Shot Very Good The Freshman 15 (again)
IUD Excellent The period that keeps on giving.

Now if you’ve hung up the kid-having towel, any of these methods could work for you but there are always the more permanent options to consider. If you’ve decided to bear the burden yourself, then you might want to look into the less invasive Essure procedure which requires less recovery time and doesn’t require the actual cutting of the Fallopian tubes. It is fairly new, however, so if you don’t want to be a guinea pig, you might want to do your research and talk to someone else who’s had it done.

If your husband is stepping up to the plate — or knife rather — a vasectomy is an extremely effective procedure. Regardless of what your husband might tell you, he will live to screw again. And it’s completely reversible – in case you change your mind, or if he decides to run off and have kids with your nanny.

Whatever your choice, don’t leave your birth prevention up to the hand of providence. Because around here, that generally means you’ll be wiping yet another tiny little ass in around 40 weeks.