FILED IN: House & Home

TP Proclamation

Dear Family,

Do not be alarmed if you are sitting on the toilet and have found this post-it note in place of the usual roll of toilet paper. The reason for this change of procedure is the result of great strides in my therapy. It is imperative for me to establish clear boundaries and set limits with regard to domestic duties. While I will continue to replenish the refrigerator, perform the twelve daily school shuttle runs and continue in my role as fashion consultant/crisis support staff/culinary arts manager/medical advisor, I am stepping down from my position as Toilet Roll Replacement Monitor, effective immediately.

This change is necessary for two reasons. First, today is the last day in which I will ever replace four empty rolls because the rest of you couldn’t take two extra seconds to refill a depleted cartridge before exiting the bathroom. Second, it is important for every member of this family to be allowed to participate in this activity in order to cultivate an atmosphere of shared responsibility and satisfaction in serving others.

Do not be alarmed by the absence of the additional rolls which were previously located in decorative baskets near the toilet. It was necessary to remove the excess inventory when I discovered that many of you, who shall remain nameless, were simply using the paper from these spare rolls without refilling the empty tubes, which look unsightly and neglected. If you anticipate that you will run out of paper during your visit to the bathroom, you will be expected to retrieve a replacement roll from the main supply closet (located near front entrance) in advance of your stay.

Tomorrow will begin the thirty day transition period in which all family members will be expected to practice voluntary roll changing. To ensure your compliance during this time, I have installed security cameras in every bathroom. At the end of this trial period, the camera will be removed and complete participation will become compulsory.

If, however, any family member fails to share equally in the Toilet Roll Replenishment Plan then I will resort to a more drastic tactic. Each person will be responsible to carry his or her own roll of paper into the bathroom for individual use. Failure to supply your own roll in this scenario will result not only in damp or soiled knickers, but in a one week suspension of home toilet privileges. Furthermore, please note that at no time will the substitution of facial tissue be permitted; as of today, all Kleenex boxes will be removed from the toilet tank covers to ensure your adherence to this policy.



P.S. Finally, do not even think of using this post-it note as TP!