FILED IN: Humor Essays

Memo to Mama: A Toddler Lays Down Some Ground Rules

See Mama, things need to change around here

Photo: Jaimie D. Travis
Photo: Jaimie D. Travis

M e m o r a n d u m

TO: Mama

RE: Me

Let me get straight to my point, Mama. Until a couple of months ago, things have gone pretty smoothly in my life. I’m not going to lie; things could be better. Lately, you’ve been showing your mean face lately A LOT for every thing I do. You also roll your eyes and use the word “vent” a lot when you’re talking on the phone. This is your first time being a mama, so I’ve been pretty easy on you, but things are going to get tougher. And now, I’m also worried. The other day, you put the phone in the oven and my chicken nuggets in the dishwasher!

This brings me to my first point.

1. Don’t feed me anything you won’t eat. You know I’m willing to try just about anything, but I have my limits, too. I could do without the peas or stringy green stuff. I haven’t seen any of that stuff on your plate, so please don’t give it to me. See, I used the word, “please!”

2. I don’t hate my brother. As far as baby brothers go, he’s pretty good. (I’ve done some comparisons.) But, he’s weird. He stares a lot and drools. He slaps things when he grabs them, and can’t hold very many things in his hands. He puts everything in his mouth, which I do, too, but he does it too much! I like him, though. I may take an occasional swat at him because he’s looking at my stuff, but I’m glad he’s around. A future note for other babies you and Papa plan to bring home: don’t make them like him, OK? Also, if I want to sit really close to my brother, it’s ok. I’m not going to break him. Yes, it’s true, I have hurt him by doing this in the past, but that’s only because he didn’t move when I sat down on him. I only sit next to him so I can play with his toys… he’s got really great toys! That brings me to my next point.

3. Other kids’ toys are better! I know you and Papa give me a lot of things I want to play with. I like my toys, but other kids’ toys are always better than mine. Like, yesterday, when we were at the park, Reese had a green ball that I loved, loved, loved. A GREEN BALL! Mine is plain old red and not nearly as bouncy as his. I know you don’t understand, and you tell me it’s the same thing. It’s not! Jeremiah’s mama has a new bag with LVs written all over it that I know you really like. You already have lots of bags without any letters on them! You still like hers better, right?

4. I like repetition…most of the time. I’m a simple boy. I like doing the same things over and over and over. I can tell you don’t like it because you take a deep breath when I want to do something one more time. Get used to it! It’s like when you go to Target. We go there all the time, and you look at the same things over and over again. That reminds me. Put this on your Target list: shoes with red blinking lights on the bottom. I’ve got to have them! But, I don’t always like repetition. If I say “juice”, you don’t need to ask, “Do you want some juice?” Of course I want juice. That’s why I’m saying “juice!” And I really don’t like all the negativity lately: no! stop! don’t! You really shouldn’t say those words over and over.

And, my final point.

5. Books don’t always apply to me. You’ve been reading a lot lately from books that have pictures of little kids and babies on them. Some of the stuff may help you, but I’m pretty special, so I’ll just teach you most of the stuff you need to know. So, stop wasting your time reading the books. Just play with me, and keep reading these memos!