FILED IN: Parenting

The Ten Parenting Commandments, Turned Up to Eleven

1. Thou Shall Not Judge
Thou shall not make hasty judgments of other people’s kids’ transgressions, lest the Parenting Gods hear you and instantly smite you with a child who develops an obsessive fascination with eating his nose nuggets.

2. Keep Thy Perspective
Do you know any adults who are not potty-trained or do not know the difference between a circle and a square? It’s just preschool . . . pace thyself.

3. Remember Thy Adult Time, to Keep it Sacred
A good babysitter is worth kidnapping and chaining to the kitchen island.

4. Knowest When To Cry Uncle
When your toddler poops in the sandbox and the Goldfish crackers are gone, the play date is over.

5. Haveth Consideration for Others
If thine offspring throweth a tantrum in Panera while others are trying to Wi-Fi in peace, consider leaving immediately. But take the kid with you.

6. Getest Thou A Life
If you are losing sleep worrying about the guest list for your child’s third birthday party, or if you find yourself visiting more than one store for just the right socks for his Christmas card photo outfit, it might be time to join a book club or something. Anything.

7. Loseth the Guilt
It’s really okay if you don’t want to sit on the floor for hours with your preschooler playing blocks. Trust me on this.

8. Do Not Maketh Thy Children Hipsters
That vintage CBGB tee shirt may look cute on you, but it looks ridiculous as a onesie. Let thy babies be babies and not ironic statements.

9. Faceth the Facts
This may be tough to hear, but no one wants to hear the play-by-play drama of your labor and delivery. And when you show co-workers those pictures of your daughter in her tacky tap dance costume, they’re pretending they’re interested only to be polite.

10. Take Thyself Not So Seriously
Be not Mommier-than-thou. Without a sense of humor, motherhood will soon kicketh thy ass.

And one more:

11. If You Don’t Have Children, Keep Thy Advice to Thyself
Because frankly, my dear, you haven’t a clue.