FILED IN: Humor Essays

The IP Guide to Parent/Teacher Conferences

It’s that time of year again, the time when we get to take time from our busy schedules, sit in an undersized chair, and listen to a litany of complaints about our children. In our ongoing quest to help Imperfect Parents™ everywhere, we’ve compiled this handy list of responses for you to use at your next parent/teacher conference:

Maybe he needs glasses?

What if I made some sort of "gift" to the PTA?

Her doctor says she has a microhectaglobin deficiency that makes it difficult to learn state capitals.

I’ve heard Einstein used to fart loudly in class, too.

Did you ever think maybe it’s you?

We’ve been working on the whole "worms are not for throwing" issue.

I don’t think the drawing looks that much like you. And "Mrs. Poopface" might be a term of endearment.

He said he was unaware of the sequence of events after he flushed that.

What do you mean he technically can be left behind? 

She acquired a taste for paste from her father. It’s quite the delicacy in Elmerstikastan.

He’s been very troubled by the ongoing postponement of the release of prisoners at Guantanamo.

He’s been very troubled by the ongoing postponement of the release of Playstation 3.

My kid’s been swearing? Sorry, he learned that at home — I told my wife to fucking knock that shit off.

Sure, other parents may still believe in tired concepts like "sitting still" and "doing homework", but that’s so old fashioned.

What do you expect him to do when he’s called a "booger brain", just take it?

Television has given her the impression she can coast on her charm and good looks.

Did I mention my husband is an attorney?