FILED IN: Parenting

The New BoobTube

Welcome to BoobTube! Television that’s all about YOU! Print out this handy schedule of the daily program lineup. Tape to the inside of the cleaning supplies closet where your kids wouldn’t dream of looking for it.

12am-1am: The Cracked Nipples Power Hour
Why stay up alone during middle-of-the-night feedings? Our hostess, N. Gorge McLetdown, will offer camaraderie and Nightly Hum-AlongsTM that will help you get your baby to sleep, or at least put you into a nice Zen-like trance. Grab your scuffies and remember: misery loves company. Brought to you by the Openflap Nursing Bra Company, now offering styles in Extra Saggy, Unsexy, and Absorbent.

1am-2am: What Are YOU Doing Up?
Tell us your sleep deprivation stories! Whether it’s dealing with a surprise Sunday-night head lice infestation, washing barfed-on sheets, or just good old Perimenopause, there’s always a reason to lose sleep. Brought to you by Red Bull.

2am-3am: I’m Going to $#@!-ing Kill That Kid
Join us in alternating waves of panic and fear as we wait for our curfew-violating teens to come home from the party at that rich little shit’s house whose asshole parents travel all the time.

3am-4am: The Cracked Nipples Power Hour

4am-5am: Chicken Soup for the Mom’s Soul Who’s Toddler’s Schedule is Confused by Daylight Saving Time
Trying real hard to find the beauty in sunrises and birdsongs.

5am-6am: Good Morning, Mommy!
Today’s episode: Coffee.

6am-7am: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray?
Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether

7am-8am: It COULD Be Worse
Tales of woe from other moms that will make you feel better about your own child. Today’s Tale: the three-year-old who refused to poop anywhere except in his swim diaper in the town pool.

8am-9am: This Place Looks Like a Tornado Hit It
Brought to you by Swiffer, Oxi-Clean, and Absolut.

9am-10am: Baby Product Edsels
Today we’ll chat about nursing pillows. Do you feel like a complete idiot with that stuffed donut wrapped around your waist? Well, you’re not alone! Next week: the Shampoo Visor Hall of Shame, for products that are more trouble than they’re worth.

10am-11am: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray?
(repeat) Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether

11am-12pm: It’s Lunchtime, Mommy!
Today’s episode: More coffee

12pm-1pm: WTF? The Show About Raising Teens
Today our panel of experts will discuss 132 varieties of grunts, shrugs and eye rolls, and what they all mean.

1pm-2pm: The Real Simple Magazine Show for Moms
Real Simple, gorgeous nursery décor ideas for babies who don’t drool, barf or poop. Our rooms are expertly lit and photographed so beautifully that your shabby home and sad little life will pale in comparison. Find out if your antique dresser is Real Simple enough for baby’s room. What about the linens? Are they Real Simple enough? We unravel these complex issues for you.

2pm-3pm: The Ma Ingalls Hour
Grab your stays and your gingham housedress and celebrate the old-fashioned art of settin’ up housekeepin’. It’s the best of the past without all the nasty things like cholera, plagues of locusts, and vermin-infested straw mattresses. We’ve revived weaving, quilting, and knitting…so what’s the next tedious 19th century task to make a comeback? Doing the laundry with a washboard and wringer! You know it’s the green thing to do, and you get to feel like a character from a Willa Cather novel. Next week: Trendy Urban Chicken Coops: They Don’t Smell THAT Bad.

3pm-4pm: The After-School Special
Today’s drama: Tales From the School Bus. The whole world is out to get your kid and EVERYBODY is teasing him. Everybody. No. Really! Ev-ree-buh-dee, Mom! Starring Your Kid, Kristy McNichol as the caring teacher, Efrem Zimbalist Jr. as the bus driver, and Eve Plumb as the teenage alcoholic.

4pm-5pm: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray?
(repeat) Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether

5pm-6pm: Is It Still Today?
Three more hours till bedtime.

6pm-7pm: It’s Dinnertime, Mommy!
Store-brand mac and cheese, applesauce, Pinot Noir

7pm-8pm: The Mom Ethicist
We’ll discuss which is worse…sneaking a cigarette in the garage every so often so we don’t set a bad example for our kids, and then realizing we’re a bunch of lying weasels, or just smoking in front of them like our 1960’s moms used to. Next week: Why is it ok to call it a play yard but not a playpen?

8pm-9pm: Smile, Dammit.
Tales from the JC Penney Portrait Studio. Tonight’s episode: Families who wear matching sweaters and why they can’t be trusted.

9pm-10pm: What’s Up With That?
Moms who floss their kids’ baby teeth.

10pm-11pm: The Third One Drove Me Over the Edge
Taking at least a few pictures of your third baby so she won’t wind up in therapy over the fact that her empty baby book was mainly used to prop up the short leg of the coffee table.

11pm-12am: Laundry
Tonight’s episode: Avoiding putting it away for yet another day. Tomorrow’s episode: You’re out of detergent.