FILED IN: Parenting

Mommy Mensa (or How the Kids Ate My Brain)

A friend of mine told me that there is one month every year that you can take the Mensa test and, if you pass, join the eggheads of the world in their elite club.

I’m not sure what you would receive as a reward for achieving Mensa status. It’s not like you can go around bragging about it without eventually getting a mouthful of bloody Chiclets. Maybe they just give you discounted season tickets for the Metropolitan Opera, a pocket protector and a “I’m a Mensa Member. No, really, I am. I swear!” tee-shirt.

Once upon a time I would have had a chance at admission. I’m no slouch in the brains department. In high school I managed to bring my D in Geometry up to a B minus. But after all those years of nursing babies my brain is as saggy as my boobs. The New York Times crossword puzzle now seems a lot tougher than I remember.

So, like the SATs, I think the Mensa test should be dumbed down a bit. Or maybe there should be a version just for moms.

Some sample questions to help sweep the petrified McDonald’s French fries out of the corners of your brain:

1. What’s the difference in years between the age that your oldest learned to tie his shoes and the age at which your youngest learned?

2. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

3. What comes next in this sequence?
SMACK . . .WAHHHH! . . .YOU started it . . .

a. SMACK!
b. I’m telling!
c. WAHHHH!
d. MOM!!

4. What is that plastic object you’ve had on your kitchen windowsill for seven years?

a. You can’t remember, but you’re afraid to throw it out    because it might go with some toy or something.
b. Oh, you’ve been meaning to glue that but keep forgetting to buy Krazy Glue.
c. Some kind of clip thingy that attaches two pieces of K’nex together
d. Your diaphragm

5. What’s the last thing you read?

a. The dosage chart on the Benedryl label
b. P,R,N,D,L
c. The assembly instructions for the Hot Wheels Super Smashup Playset
d. What to Expect When You’re Expecting

6. Your child promised to clean his room, but you find him plugged into Nintendo instead. Which threat should you use?

a. If you don’t finish those green beans you can forget about dessert.
b. I hope someday you have a child who’s just like you.
c. Any toy I see left on the floor is going in the garbage.
d. Don’t make me get out the wooden spoon.
e. I going to count to ten…

7. How many days are there left for you to:

a.    shop for Christmas?
b.    survive before the kids return to school in the fall?
c.    sign the permission slip and return it in time?
d.    save for college?
e.    get those birthday party invitations in the mail?

8. Complete this analogy:
Motherhood is to sleep deprivation as childhood is to:

a. convenient hearing
b.    runny noses
c.    scabby knees
d.    otitis media

9. How old is your oldest child? (Hint: count backwards from this year to the year in which he/she was born.)

10. How many teaspoons of Children’s Motrin equal an
adult dose?

11. Probability and Statistics Section. (You must show
your work.) What are the odds . . .

a. That you can finish the grocery shopping before the baby wakes up?
b. That your child will notice you snuck onions into the meatloaf?
c. That, while on a family road trip, the only open store will carry the same brand of pacifier you stupidly forgot to pack?
d. Your child will be the only college freshman
wearing Huggies?

12. True or false:

a. Children only throw up on newly-washed bed linens.
b. You can always eek out another season from snow boots and soccer cleats.
c. Mylicon drops don’t work.

13. Which infant cosmetic disorder is more disgusting . . . baby acne or cradle cap? Discuss.

14. Which situation is the most embarrassing?

a. Your child barfs hot dog chunklets into the toddler pool at the public swimming complex.
b. A passerby sees you picking a booger out of your kid’s nose before you let him leave the car and run
into school.
c. Your son, while stuck in the outfield during an endless T-Ball game, turns around, drops his pants
and waters the grass.
d. Your water breaking on the Number 7 train to Grand Central.

15. Is the school picture package that the photography studio recommends as the “best value” really the best value?

16. Which of the choices below is the most difficult to locate in your home?

a. A complete deck of cards
b. A pair of dice for the board game your
child wants to play
c. Two working AA batteries and a Philips head    screwdriver
d. logic, reason, wisdom and patience
e. cash

17. Why did you decide to have children?

a. It seemed like the thing to do.
b. I wanted immortality but got Coxsackie instead.
c. Two sixes and a broken condom
d. Today is not the day to ask me that.
e. Ummm…

Essay Section
Choose one of the following topics to discuss:

a. The Joys of Sleepaway Camp
b. That one annoying mom who always seems to have her shit together.
c. How chairing this year’s bake sale changed your life.
d. The thing that drove you over the edge today.

Well, how did you do? I did all right, I think. I may have achieved Mommy Mensa-ness. I’ll be watching the mail for my tee-shirt.

So maybe I’ll see you at the opera? I hear they are currently performing Medea. That should be fun.