Leaps and Bounds

Finally, we can have a super hero more true to life. A hero we can look up to and moms alike can relate. I would like to introduce you to a mild-mannered PTA member by night, super dust fighting hero by day — SUPERMOM!

Supermom has no use for tights and capes — instead she wears a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a ponytail in her hair.

Supermom can leap a mound of dirty laundry in a single bound. She may not be able to see through walls, but she can spy a dirty dish at a hundred paces.

Supermom may not be able to read minds but she can sense a child lying without batting an eye. She may not be able to orbit into space but she can recite every Sesame Street character in alphabetical order.

Supermom’s super spit can clean a child’s face or smooth a stray hair into place. Her super hearing can identify a child’s cry from any room in the house.

Multitalented Supermom comes equipped with several sets of invisible hands. Her invisible super hands enable her to complete many tasks at once. She can hold an infant while simultaneously washing dishes and cooking spaghetti. She has the ability to carry bags full of groceries, a diaper bag, and a squirming baby all while steering a toddler away from traffic in the store parking lot.

Supermom is gentle enough to ease a scraped knee with a single kiss, or chase away a bad dream with a simple hug. She is tough enough to scare away the monster in the closet, or to scold a misbehaving child.

Supermom is crafty. She can take old clothes, markers, felt, and eyeliner and turn them into a stunning tot sized Halloween costume in one afternoon flat. She has the ability to take meager ingredients pulled from a pantry shelf and turn them into a healthy meal.

Supermom is unselfish and will go without new clothes and salon haircuts to keep her children in new shoes and after school activities. She will spend her free time baking cookies for the school bake sale or finishing her child’s science project.

Supermom requires very little care. She survives on little amounts of sleep and will willingly stay up until the wee hours of the night to care for a sick child. She requires very little food, only eating small bites in between serving her family dinner and washing pots and pans. A cup of coffee and a few aspirins are all Supermom needs to survive.

Supermom’s super vehicle is a minivan. It comes equipped with toys, wet wipes, snacks, car seats, and a variety of child-friendly music tapes. This super minivan has the ability to drive kids back and forth to school and to several sporting events every week. Its super capacity can carry a soccer team out for pizza after a successful win, or can successfully transport a Girl Scout troop on their cookie-selling route.

Of course, no super hero is complete without her own nemesis. The evil Dust Bunny and his cronies the dastardly Soap Scum and Grass Stains are Supermom’s foes. She fights these villains daily with soap, water and a little elbow grease.

Supermom’s first issue comic book features our hero tackling a stack of dirty dishes while caring for a teething infant. She will also encounter the evil Dust Bunny, but after an exhausting battle will be victorious when the super vacuum cleaner is brought into the scene.

Supermom’s action figure comes complete with a mop and broom, diaper bag, a box of tissues, and a PTA membership card. The action figure states phrases such as “because I said so”, “clean your room”, and the ever popular “I’m the Mom that’s why.”

Until I win the state lottery and have enough money to fund my Supermom project I will settle for daydreaming about it and envisioning myself in the super hero role. If you come to my home these days I can be seen leaping over toys, with feather duster in hand, humming super hero theme songs.