FILED IN: Love & Marriage

How to Get Laid

There was a time when I fantasized about my husband coming home, grabbing me lustfully, throwing me on the bed (or the table or the kitchen counter) and making wild, monkey love to me. This is not one of those times.

Men listen up. If you want to get laid there are a few things you should know. First off, nothing is sexier than doing the dishes, except vacuuming. Really! Nothing fills me with lust more than a clean house that I didn’t have to clean. So please, instead of grabbing your woman’s breasts (which have most likely been fondled and suckled enough by your offspring), grab a broom.

Second, mentioning how rarely you get any is not a turn on. I know that might seem strange, but it’s true! If anyone should be complaining, it is probably your woman. I can only imagine how horny mamas across the country might get if their partners came home and not only asked how they were doing, but really listened to what they had to say. So guys, shut up and listen!

Third, be grateful for any sex that you get. I know a woman whose husband actually said the following: “You can bring the baby in our bed since we never have sex anymore.” This woman not only works from home while caring for two children, she fornicates with her husband two or three times a week! I say if you are getting it once a month you ought to count your lucky stars.

Fourth, try touching your wife in a non-sexual manner. Think of it as reverse psychology. A woman likes to be touched for the sake of being touched, to know she’s loved. Make affection a part of your daily routine, not just a part of foreplay. After nursing, feeding, changing, carrying, snuggling, and entertaining your offspring all day, a sexual advance by you (no matter how wonderful you are) might seem unappealing. Your chances of getting laid will probably increase if you give your woman a hug or a backrub instead of a grope.

Fifth, be ready and willing at all times. I know our culture equates sex with the bedroom and people are in the bed at night, but most mamas are way too exhausted by the end of the day to want to do anything except sleep. So fellas, be prepared to be late to work, skip lunch, miss the game, or drop your drawers on a moment’s notice. The opportunity may be fleeting. And for the love of your woman, let her sleep!

And finally, if you really want some wild, monkey love, get a babysitter. Better yet, be the babysitter. Take the kids out somewhere. Entertain them all day while your woman does whatever the hell she wants to do. Don’t be smug about it. Make it look enjoyable. Be the sexy do-it-all-daddy. She’ll be all over you in no time.