Kelley is taking a well-deserved vacation, so please enjoy a previous piece of hers that originally appeared in Brain,Child magazine. Kelley will return next month.
Today’s horoscope by Skye Stargazer, noted astrologer and mother of five.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20): Resist the urge to form a posse to beat up the mother who brings in California rolls for preschool snack. Her pathological need to show off is not your concern; just have pity on her. Don’t forget you promised to make cookies for the bake sale tomorrow. See if your neighbor has any vanilla extract now so you won’t be knocking on the A&P’s door at midnight like you did last year. Lucky number: 1 teaspoon
Taurus (Apr 21-May21): The wishbone on your kitchen windowsill is finally dry enough for your kids to fight over. Pluto in your chart means it’s belt-tightening time. Take back the CVS circular from under the guinea pig cage and you might be able to rescue a coupon for a twelve-pack of paper towels. On the other hand, Pluto could mean you’ll be dragging the kids to DisneyWorld come spring break. Hope for the former. Lucky number: 5 Days/4 Nights
Gemini (May 22-June 21): You should have known you’d be shunned by the rest of the mothers for allowing your child to play with a water gun. And in the future ask if your child’s friend is allergic to pine nuts before you let them make pesto in the Easy-Bake oven. Next time, consider having a lawyer draw up document that waives the child’s parents’ right to sue. Really, you should be more careful. Lucky number: $50,000 Out-of-Court Settlement
Cancer (Jun 22-July 22): Just because you’re on your hands and knees looking for the Lego Race Car Driver’s tiny plastic helmet does not mean you’ll be doing this the rest of your life. Keep the big picture in mind. This perspective will help you sit through the fifth grade viola recital as well. Try this mantra: Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge. Venus in your chart means it’s time to ditch the nursing bras since you stopped nursing three years ago. Head over to Target for some new ones already. Lucky number: 36B
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): The moon figures strongly, making it likely your kid will drop his pants again today in Kindergarten. Also, he’s back to eating paste. Prepare for a phone call from the Principal. A question about vaginas from your third-grader might mean it’s time for The Talk. Start rehearsing nervously now. And believe it or not your preschooler really will be potty-trained someday. If you buy a gross of Pull-Ups at CostCo that just might do the trick. Lucky numbers: 1 and 2.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 23): Romance appears strong for you today. Your partner will come home with flowers and that special look in his eye. There’s no getting around it: you’re going to have to give it up. If he’s really desperate you may be able to get him to do the bath routine and storytime too. Maybe you can talk him into a quickie; you’ll be done in time for The Daily Show. Lucky number: 69
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23): The struggles you have had lately with your in-laws will ease once you make that move to Wellington, New Zealand. The stars say you will find true love, but you might have to settle for gawking at that hunky barrista in Starbucks. Watch out for the chicken nuggets in the microwave. Last time you forgot they were in there and they exploded. Lucky number: 325°
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22): It’s not your imagination. Those really are fruit flies. Your child must have stashed an apple core somewhere. Good luck finding it. Mercury figures prominently, so beware of car problems. You put off that oil change too long last time around and were stranded at Mommy and Me when the car wouldn’t start, remember? Get your butt over to Jiffy Lube today. Lucky number: 10W-40
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21): Take a positive step towards more assertive behavior and cancel your subscription to Parents magazine. A wedding invitation arrives, giving you the opportunity to dress up for the first time in years. Don’t panic. You’ve got three months to lose the weight and find something to wear. If that doesn’t work, there’s a sale at Ann Taylor Woman. Lucky number: 20 percent off.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20): Just because you’re thinking about having another child doesn’t mean you actually have to. There’s a big difference between fantasy and reality, sister. Resist the temptation to go straight back to bed this morning. Keep your eye on the prize: in an hour your kids will be in school and you can have some goddamned coffee in peace. I won’t mention that you’ll soon be driving to school to deliver a forgotten math textbook. Lucky number: Ð
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19): Time to simplify: clean your kids’ playroom and you’ll find brand new toys that are perfect for re-gifting. Deal with the stack of school flyers on the counter you’ve been avoiding or risk getting lumped in with the “loser moms” who don’t return permission slips. You may have to hide in your home all next week to avoid attending that Pampered Chef party, but it’s totally worth it. On second thought, just go to the damn party. You need kitchen gadgets and you need them right now. Lucky number: 1/2 cup.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20): It’s not worth keeping up the perfect mom charade if you’re strung out on Xanax and Nestle’s Crunch. Arrange more “away” playdates and stop being a martyr. For God’s sake give the scrapbook a rest. Your fingers are permanently glued together and you’ve developed facial tics. Get acquainted with the concept of a babysitter. It’s cheaper than therapy. Lucky number: 7 bucks an hour.
If your birthday is today: Chances are you’ve not had a minute to think about it until your husband says he’s taking you out to dinner. Scramble to find another babysitter since your old one has a boyfriend now. You won’t kiss your kids goodnight for fear of messing up your lipstick and you’ll feel guilty about it the whole evening. Go ahead and have dessert. Fuck South Beach, it’s your birthday.