Category Archives: General Parenting

This Mother’s Day I Want to Break Up With My Son

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It’s Mother’s Day, and I want to break up with my son. At 21, Devin is mired in narcissism, bonded to his buddies like white on rice, and committed to the pursuit of sensory pleasure. I offer none of that. I’m his mother. And even though I know the days of hand-made cards and little-boy breakfasts in bed […]

The Tournament of Moms: A Jeopardy Game Show Parody

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  Alex: Welcome to the special “Tournament of Moms” on Jeopardy this week. Well, at least we hope it can run all week . . . we didn’t find too many Moms who had any brain cells left, and of those who did, only a few could find someone to watch the kids for a […]

We Only Think About It

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Photo: HybridSys/ The sound of motherhood echoes across the playground and if you breathe in deep, you can almost taste the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and feel the sticky hands of the children. Almost. Thank God, not entirely. I hate peanut butter and jelly and when children put their grimy little hands on me, […]

Instead of Father’s Day, Let’s Just Have Another Mother’s Day

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I’m big on Mother’s Day. As a stay-at-home mother who devotes an incomprehensible amount of my time fostering my children’s development and well-being, who does not receive a paycheck or a year-end bonus, who doesn’t get vacation time or sick days or many other perks outside of the highly prized hugs and kisses of my […]

When Young Palaeontologists Become Jedi

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Photo: parl I married a man that drank from coffee mugs that were molded into the faces of the Star Trek crew. In his apartment, he had Star Wars action figures, still in boxes, nailed to the walls of his bedroom, and displayed with more care than grandma’s fine china. Our engagement photo was doctored […]

He’s Making a List

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When I was in second grade, a know-it-all girl at school smugly told four or five of us that Santa Claus wasn’t real — that it was just our parents, and the tooth fairy was just our parents, too. She also filled us in on where babies come from, although she had the function of […]

Stage Dad

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Photo: Gerville Hall The chubby, naked baby on our last Christmas card is the cutest damn thing you’ll ever see. I’m not just saying this because I’m the chubby, naked baby’s father, either — my wife’s talent agency agrees. The woman who books her on voice-over jobs called immediately after she saw the card. “Jenny, […]

Pulling Teeth

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Photo: Bianca de Blok “Is the dentist pulling my tooth out today?”  My son’s hand flew to his mouth.  We were leaving the schoolyard. “I think so. But don’t worry. It’s just a little tooth,” I muttered. Last visit, the dentist took me aside. He said my seven-year-old’s bottom teeth were crowded.  The procedure would […]

Daisy Guilt

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Photo: Cavell Blood “But Mom, everyone’s doing it!” says my youngest. Five years old and already she’s a sucker for peer pressure. I start to think of all the awful things that will happen to her in the future because of this… tongue piercings, multiple tattoos, getting drunk on Spring Break and starring in a […]