Dear Mom and Dad,
Now that we have had some time to settle in and I have gotten to know you, I wanted to write you a letter to say thank you for a few things.
First of all, I wanted to give you a huge THANK YOU for shelling out for the extra cash for the fancy birthing suite. I know that when mom was spread eagle and pushing out various liquids and solids, the four flat-screen TVs provided her with a great deal of comfort. And I have no doubt that when she tilted her head back to scream, the modern art piece above the head of her bed made her pause and reflect on the juxtaposition of color and technique.
And Dad, I know that when you were able to finally relax on the white tufted sofa, you were able to slip away and almost forget seeing your wife poop on her high thread count hospital sheets.
Second, Thanks for my awesome name. Blue Ivy. I sound like a sexy comic book super hero. And if things go terribly wrong in our family and I end up “working the pole”, I don't even need to change my name. So….that's convenient, right? I also look forward to being asked, “Hey, why so BLUE?!” for the rest of my life. HA! Who am I kidding? I am Beyonce and Jay-Z's kid! People are going to be kissing my ass before I am out of diapers!
Finally, Dad, there's a rumor that you might stop using the word “bitch” in your songs out of respect for me as your little girl. Now, that's sweet – really. No honestly, I'm touched. But, Dad, let's not make any rash decisions. “Bitch” is kind of your bread and butter, and we've got college to pay for. I'm only a few weeks old, you're sleep deprived, let's take a little time on this one. Besides, by the time I hit the terrible twos you just might find that “bitch” works its' way back into your vocabulary.
Anyhoo. Love you guys! Can I get a WAH WAH?!