Ask the Angry Baby

How do you handle a 2-year-old who seems to be acting out because of a new baby brother?

Oh, tell me about it. My older brother is the same way. He’s going along, all happy as a Teletubbie because he gets all the googly eyes from mom and dad, then — WHAM!– I come along, and he has to go and be a big dick about it. He’s always taking my toys away, throwing food at me… like I asked to be born into this freakin’ family. “Oh, please, can I come live with you?” That ain’t how it went down, bro.

And the whining whenever mom has to take her eyes off him for one goddamn minute because I have a poopy diaper or whatever… whahwhahwhah… oh, Maddon’! Heeeeeellllllooooo?!? I’m a baby, it’s not like I can just feed myself or wipe my own butt. Man, what a pain in the ass.

My 18-month-old takes off his diaper whenever he’s in bed, and I often end up having to change the sheets. Why does he do this?

Hmmmm, why is he taking off a stinky, pee-pee soaked diaper? Let’s do an experiment.

Cut two holes in a plastic grocery bag. Put it on. Now shove one of those pad thingys that mommy has in there. And pee. Come on, keep it coming. Now go lie down in bed and try to go to sleep. You get it now, sucky? Sometimes you parents are so stupid.

And what, you haven’t heard of pajamas? Why the hell is your kid just in his diaper? Come on, be a big spender and spring for some nice soft PJs, not too small, and skip the duckies and teddy bears, I hate that crap.

My 5-year-old confessed that he accidentally spilled grape juice on his friend’s beige rug, but no one saw. Should we call his friend’s parents?

Screw that. If they were clueless enough to let grape juice anywhere near a beige rug (by the way, did your 5-year-old really use the word “beige”? He’s got a future as a hair dresser, if you know what I mean), they got what they deserved. Your kid was thrilled that he got away with something for once, and you want to narc on him? And he’s not too swift for telling you — one thing I’ve learned in my 13 months of life, deny, deny, deny. I once ground a chocolate cookie into the carpet. Everyone’s giving me dirty looks and I’m like, “Hey, I just set it down for a second. One of you must have stepped on it.” Then I started crying. Worked like a charm. Suckers.

Oh, and a note to those parents — they have a bold, new invention called white grape juice. Look into it.

I use our automatic swing to get my 4-month-old back to sleep after his 3am feeding so I can rest. Is it harmful for him to snooze there for a few hours?

A few hours?!? I can’t stand that stupid swing for more than 10 minutes. Does some plastic thing that makes a weird creaking noise look like a great place to sleep? Does it look more comfy than a mattress, even the cheapskate one you bought at the toy store? It ain’t no barcalounger, get his ass out of there. And hey, you can get your rest after he’s gone off to college.