Ask the Angry Baby

My two-month-old baby is breastfed. Sometimes her stools have an extremely foul smell. She looks well and has no fever. Is my baby normal or is it a symptom of some disease?

Hey, it’s POOP. Those ain’t rose petals filling her diaper. Jeez, don’t they teach you parents science? Have you not seen that thingy on Nick Jr. about farts? I know you think your little one is perfect and her shit don’t stank, but trust me — I don’t care if she’s breastfed by a nubile mountain virgin who only drank spring water and ate berries, poop reeks.

Sometimes I’m lying there getting changed, and I’m all, “Oooooh-weee!!!! I don’t REMEMBER something crawling up my butt and dying there!” Lady, if my diaper smelling like ass was the sign of a disease, I would be in BIG trouble.

I’ve been the caregiver for an eight-month-old boy every afternoon for about a month now. I’m concerned that he is never as happy, energetic and playful as he is around his mom. I know, of course, that he is more attached to his mom than anyone else, which is as it should be. But seeing him so much happier with her makes me wonder if I’m doing something wrong.

Wow, you nannys are almost as dumb as the parents. I’m going to break baby code here and spell it out for you — you get PAID to be nice to me, play with me, and give me attention. With mom I have to work it a little. You know — give her some giggles, jump around and dance, all that cute crap, so she can’t resist dropping whatever she’s doing to pay attention to me. One time I got my cute on so well, she forgot about dinner on the stove and burned it. I’m just playin’ the game, don’t take it personal, toots.

My 3-year old has a really disgusting habit of picking his scabs. Could this cause serious scarring?

Ugh, what’s wrong with you? I’m trying to eat my num-nums here. That is so incredibly foul. Yeah it’s going to cause scarring — to his social life. I have a lot of preschool lady friends, and they tell me they aren’t so keen on bloody scabs or boogers, ya know?

And don’t you have any freakin’ band-aids in the house? I mean, come on. My mommy just got me some Dora ones on sale down at Target, hey, live a little.

I’m worried that because my 2-year-old can’t learn his colors, he might be color-blind. How can I tell?

Hmmm, color blind, yes, that’s the first diagnosis I would make, given how COMMON color blindness is. “My son can’t seem to learn how to play the piano, I’m concerned he might be deaf.” What the hell are you talking about?

Maybe he knows them, but he just wants you to shut the hell up about the colors and let him watch Blue’s Clues, since hey look, Joe is always teaching about *gasp* colors! Back away from the flash cards, sweetheart.