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10 Ways to Have Your Very Own Picky Eater |
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| September 29, 2008
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These women know challenge. Like climbing Everest with nothing but a bathing suit and a can opener. Or sailing around the world in a dingy. A dingy with a hole in it. The sheer experience of having to force feed your kid under the threat of tantrums, silent treatments and episodes of holding their breath until they pass out, not to mention just enduring three meals a day with a kid who won’t eat anything but frozen waffles, must make them just better parents and more centered people, simply because they are going against the monster everyday and living to tell the tale. That kind of pain breeds real maturity. 10 Ways to Have Your Very Own Picky Eater 10. Remind your kid what a problem eater he is. Kids love that. In fact, tell him in front of guests. Call him “picky”, fussy”, “difficult at dinner time” or say things like, “He’s like this because he’s adopted,” and my personal favorite, “He’s just like his father,” and then, roll your eyes dramatically. You will only have to label him a few times before he sullenly looks at his plate of food, pushes it away and demands to be hand-fed McDonald's French fries. If this works, you can go the next step and tell him he is “bad” or “a demon seed” and remind him that he was an “accident”. 9. Put him on the Snicker and Tootsie Pop diet. There is nothing to make a kid love healthy food more than pounding sugar for hours before meal time. I mean, you just want to fill them up, so they aren’t all crying and whining for food, right? So, if they won’t eat your green bean casserole, let him have that Hershey bar. No biggie. I mean, the almonds are protein after all. 8. If you are going to give your kids veggies, take my advice -- pass up all that fresh farmers market stuff and give them vegetables from a can. Kids love vegetables from a can. Especially the soggy, bendy asparagus the color of a green suburban mini-van. And those lima beans! Those babies will turn them off good foods until they are 30. Go with that. Remember, embrace the challenge. 7. On the subject of vegetables, kids love them best when you steam them. A lot. And serve them in a heap on a plate all bland and limp. Or you can nuke them good in the microwave and top the vegetables off with a pad of margarine. Don’t let them have real butter until they are well into their teens. That could be inviting the voodoo into your life. 6. Kids hate salt, so don’t use any. Ever. Oh sure, they like it on their salt and vinegar potato chips, but not on their real food. Your food should be tasteless, bland, like cardboard. And this will be a relief to your 3 year old who is very worried about the hypertension setting in and is having nightmares because all the commercials on Noggin are warning toddlers to stay clear of the salt epidemic. Just keep your food tasting like communion wafer and the challenge will continue. Can you feel it? You’re already a better person. 5. Make separate meals for every member of your family. Your kid should know that you love him enough to leave your own food getting all cold and congealed so, like the work horse you are, you can go back to your kitchen and whip up home-made pancake batter and make him the plain pancakes he knows and loves and eats ten times a day. There is nothing that says love more than “Mommy is my slave.” 4. Remember, kids should only eat one or two different kinds of food. Trying a bunch of different foods just incites them to rebellion. It gives them ideas you don’t want in their head. I mean one minute, you’re passing out the braised oxtails and the next, your kids are sitting at the table banging their cups on the table like orphans from a Charles Dickens novel clamoring for sushi or some such exotic thing. You will not be able to handle it. Your life will get weirdly easier and the challenge thing will disappear, as will your attempts to become better a better person. Stick to, say, chicken fingers with preservatives and processed meat and box macaroni and cheese. 3. And speaking of box macaroni and cheese – every time your kid turns up their nose at dinner, just whip them up some orange-colored mac and cheese. It’s awesome because then they know once and for all, they never have to eat anything you put on the table because you’ll always be there with the box in hand as soon as they make the kitten face or make tears well up in their eyes. This is a no-brainer. Your challenge becomes more enhanced in direct proportion to how often you use the box. So, use it more and embrace your better person-ness. 2. Never let your kids into the kitchen. Squelch any desire for them to cook something of their own, throw the basil into the pasta or help you stir. You must do this because letting your kids into the kitchen is messy. They will throw breadcrumbs on the floor. They will hurl eggs at the dog. It’s a given. You will be picking bits of parsley out of the grout in your tiles for months to come. Better to let them peer into the kitchen wondering what mysterious things you are doing in that weird room with all the pots and pans. Oh! And never let them use a knife. Better to keep them completely sheltered until they are 15 or so and can use pointy utensils the correct way, like to dismember cats in the backyard. And last but not least... 1. Be a food Nazi. Kids need to see all your weird food issues, all the time. Are you a constant dieter who thinks every calorie makes you stupidly fat? Make sure you share that with Betsy. Are you freaked out because you think the venison on your daughter’s plate might actually be Bambi’s mother who died a horrible death in the forest at the hands of a hunter? Go with that. Betsy needs to hear it. Do you think peas are disgusting and make you want to hurl? Oh yeah share, share, share. This will make Betsy really hate eating and then, you are so on your way to becoming a better person through challenge. And for good measure, never let your kids eat anything with sugar. Be a foot-stompin’, finger-wavin’ fanatic. Just ban it from their diet and make the occasional cookie punishable with a beating out behind the shed. This way, your kids will learn to sneak food and feel all ugly inside when they do. And that’s kind of what you were going for, right? All kidding aside, your kids should be eating what you eat. It’s that simple. Your job is to relax. You’re not starving them, denying them the benefits of nutrition or sending them toward the throes of death. Seriously, I’m convinced many slacker parents know how to feed their kids. They just go with it. Do the same and you’ll be less stressed. And your kids will be equally as healthy and maybe, just maybe, they’ll grow into adventurous and curious eaters. And now for a recipe... Try these crab cakes, which I adapted from a recipe at Bon Appetite. I’ve done crab cakes a bunch of different ways but these are especially pleasing to adults and kids because they are loaded with crab and super-crunchy on the outside. They’re also a snap to make. You can prep the crab mixture ahead, like in the morning, and just skillet fry them about 5 minutes before you eat. This recipe call for Japanese breadcrumbs, which give it a fine, crunchy texture, but regular breadcrumbs will work just fine. Crab Cakes of Death 1/4 cup mayonnaise 1/4 cup minced green onions or leeks 2 large egg yolks 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice 4 teaspoons minced fresh chive 4 teaspoons minced fresh cilantro 1 tablespoon Dijon mustard 1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper 1 pound blue crabmeat or Dungeness crabmeat 2 cups panko (Japanese breadcrumbs) or regular breadcrumbs 2 tablespoons (or more) butter 2 tablespoons (or more) olive oil Whisk first 8 ingredients in large bowl. Mix in crabmeat and 1 cup of breadcrumbs or panko, breaking up crabmeat slightly. Let stand 10 minutes. Add more panko if necessary. Form crab mixture into sixteen 2-inch-diameter patties. Cover and chill at least 1 hour and up to 1 day. Melt 1 tablespoon butter with 1 tablespoon oil in a heavy skillet, preferably cast iron, over medium-high heat. Add crab cakes to skillet and cook until golden on both sides, adding more butter and oil as needed, about 5 minutes total. Garnish with a sprig of cilantro. Serve with a salad. You can also whip up a little caper mayonnaise and serve a dollop on top of the crab cake. To make it, just combine a couple tablespoonfuls of mayonnaise in a bowl and fold in capers, finely chopped cilantro, a squeeze of lemon, salt and pepper. You can add a little hot sauce in there if you like your condiments with a little heat. | ||
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13 Responses to "10 Ways to Have Your Very Own Picky Eater"Leave a comment: | ||
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1. ntsc
Sep 29, 2008 11:21
"Those babies will turn them off good foods until they are 30. Go with that. Remember, embrace the challenge."I'm way over 60 and still can't stand lima beans or stewed tomatoes. However braised ox-tails are one of my favorite foods. In the 50s they were cheap. I even had ox-tails last Friday, with a nice Shiraz
2. The Yummy Mummy
Sep 29, 2008 11:59
I know. I know. The damage that bad food does can last a lifetime. But obviously you've self-corrected. And how! - the oxtails and Shiraz sound absolutely divine.You know, I was thinking about doing an ox tail recipe for my next column here - it's another simple-to-prepare recipe that adults and kids love.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Kim
3. Jennifer
Sep 29, 2008 14:36
I certainly appreciate your humor. I feed my oldest and youngest kids what we eat - fresh organic food delivered from a local CSA farmer. However, some children have genuine issues (my middle child is that kid you talk about who won't eat anything) and are not products of slacker parents. He helps me cook everything and has fun doing it, but it cannot be anywhere near him at the table or he freaks out. I just wanted to remind anyone reading this that humor can get to the truth in a way that nothing else can, but you know your child. Parent him accordingly.4. The Yummy Mummy
Sep 29, 2008 14:59
Well said! And I totally agree.There are a bunch of kids that I wasn't speaking about in this article. Many have food sensitivities, allergies, some who are on the autism spectrum, maybe even some genetically predisposed to like and dislike certain foods. Others just know what they want and don't want and aren't afraid to tell you.
I appreciate your perspective and it is, indeed, a good reminder to readers. That said, I was going for funny and poking a little fun at well-meaning parents who stuff their kids with scads of Cheddar Bunnies and wonder why they won't eat their dinner.
I've done it, so I feel like I can lampoon it a bit.
You sound like an amazing Mom who really gets her kids and respects their preferences as individuals. It also sounds like because you accept your son for who he is, you don't battle with him at dinner to get him to eat all his broccoli (or whatever), which he probably detests anyway.
I bet he has some fun at dinner. Maybe that's more important than his food intake. Your kids sound pretty lucky to me.
Thanks for weighing in.
Kim
5. Nurit
Sep 29, 2008 15:34
I love your article.However, I wish it was that simple.
I try not to make a big deal out of food. I want my son to experience food in a positive way and enjoy it like we do. I’m a great cook too, by the way.
And I don’t care much if he doesn’t eat, or whine, or cry, because I think it is his responsibility to decide how much and what to eat.
That said, I don’t know why he is trying to drag us into a conversation about food all the time, not the sort that we like to – did I eat enough? Do I need to eat more? I don’t like and I don’t like that. Our latest strategy is no fruit, yogurt, milk, of course no candy or ice cream or anything after dinner. No bribery. Eat what we do, nothing else between dinner and breakfast. We do have a one-bite-rule and that can cause some debate around the food. But we were picky eaters as kids, and I used to be skinny… it all turned out fine. I think the most important thing is to show our kids how much we enjoy and appreciate and respect food. They will change as they grow up.
Is it OK to post your article on my blog? I discuss these things sometimes over there. I think my readers will be interested.
Thanks.
Nurit
Family. Friendly. Food.
wflavors.blogspot.com
6. Jennifer
Sep 29, 2008 18:07
You know, I just had to check back in and say thanks, Kim, for saying such kind things. And also confess that I skipped the word "including" about the fresh produce. We do junk sometimes, too. I try not to be too uptight about things, but I am *not* a perfect parent. In fact, my blog also uses humor to get at things, deep dark parenting things. I would never really do some of the things I blog about. I totally got your lampooning and I will be back for more :)7. The Yummy Mummy
Sep 29, 2008 20:19
Nurit -Please feel free to re-print! Just link Imperfect Parent and my blog and when it's up, I'll link over to you.
I love your blog and think this is a worthwhile discussion and I'm thrilled to be a part of it. Thanks Nurit!
Kim
8. kitchenMage
Oct 03, 2008 02:36
This is marvelous! I only wish you had written it a couple of months ago, I would have asked to include it in my cookbook. As is, I'm linking to it from the book's site...maybe tomorrow, or whenever Typepad starts acting alive again.9. Kim
Oct 03, 2008 18:59
Great post! I think I know about five moms right now that actually follow all of your above steps! I will definitely be back!10. Nurit
Oct 07, 2008 11:49
Hi KIm,I was expecting to get e-mail of the chain of comments here... anyway, I returned and checked back today.
I have posted this article on my blog with credits and links.
Thanks!
Nurit
11. Erin
Oct 13, 2008 01:47
Hi, Kim... Up until VERY recently, I was one of these parents. Last week, I went with my 3 year old daughter to my cousin's house for dinner. She refused to eat anything we put in front of her. Finally, my cousin said, "Well, I've got some chicken nugget rings in the freezer we can heat up." Reluctantly, I said yes. Gracie ate them, reluctantly as well. At least she ate something.Last night, we were invited back, and Gracie again refused to eat. My cousin and her husband kind of poked fun at her and my parenting, and it was very embarrassing. But this time, I did not give in. I told her that if she wouldn't eat what was made for her, she just wasn't going to eat. And she didn't.
This morning, she ate a full, hearty breakfast, every bite of the sandwich I made her, and she even not only tried the chicken cheesy noodle casserole I made for dinner, but she ate almost every bite off her plate!
I just decided that now that I'm pregnant, I need to really get my bad habits when it comes to parenting out of the way before it becomes too big a problem to deal with.
Thanks for the article! It was a good read.
12. Samantha
Feb 12, 2009 14:46
Kim,I loved your post so much it inspired my own post on picky eaters... with a link to this article and Yummy Mummy.
growingupgourmet.blogspot.com/2009/01/not-to-be-picky.html
Thanks for writing such a dead-on, hysterical piece!
Samantha
growingupgourmet.com
13. Jacqueline
Aug 06, 2009 10:07
This was ridiculously funny Kim, and too true. I have so many mom friends who insist "My kids wont eat anything but mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets" and I just feel sorry for the kids that these moms have basically given up and that's all they offer them. So sad. I love introducing my kids to new foods -- some are hits (pesto, lobster, korean BBQ, miso soup, humuus) others are misses but I dont give up, and it is amazing how much more varied their diet is compared to some of their friends. Your article reassures me that I'm on the right path at least...