 |
||
The New BoobTube |
||
| |
||
|
12am-1am: The Cracked Nipples Power Hour Why stay up alone during middle-of-the-night feedings? Our hostess, N. Gorge McLetdown, will offer camaraderie and Nightly Hum-AlongsTM that will help you get your baby to sleep, or at least put you into a nice Zen-like trance. Grab your scuffies and remember: misery loves company. Brought to you by the Openflap Nursing Bra Company, now offering styles in Extra Saggy, Unsexy, and Absorbent. 1am-2am: What Are YOU Doing Up? Tell us your sleep deprivation stories! Whether it’s dealing with a surprise Sunday-night head lice infestation, washing barfed-on sheets, or just good old Perimenopause, there’s always a reason to lose sleep. Brought to you by Red Bull. 2am-3am: I’m Going to $#@!-ing Kill That Kid Join us in alternating waves of panic and fear as we wait for our curfew-violating teens to come home from the party at that rich little shit’s house whose asshole parents travel all the time. (Repeat) 4am-5am: Chicken Soup for the Mom’s Soul Who’s Toddler’s Schedule is Confused by Daylight Saving Time Trying real hard to find the beauty in sunrises and birdsongs. 5am-6am: Good Morning, Mommy! Today’s episode: Coffee. 6am-7am: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray? Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether 7am-8am: It COULD Be Worse Tales of woe from other moms that will make you feel better about your own child. Today’s Tale: the three-year-old who refused to poop anywhere except in his swim diaper in the town pool. 8am-9am: This Place Looks Like a Tornado Hit It Brought to you by Swiffer, Oxi-Clean, and Absolut. 9am-10am: Baby Product Edsels Today we’ll chat about nursing pillows. Do you feel like a complete idiot with that stuffed donut wrapped around your waist? Well, you’re not alone! Next week: the Shampoo Visor Hall of Shame, for products that are more trouble than they’re worth. 10am-11am: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray? (repeat) Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether 11am-12pm: It’s Lunchtime, Mommy! Today’s episode: More coffee 12pm-1pm: WTF? The Show About Raising Teens Today our panel of experts will discuss 132 varieties of grunts, shrugs and eye rolls, and what they all mean. 1pm-2pm: The Real Simple Magazine Show for Moms Real Simple, gorgeous nursery décor ideas for babies who don’t drool, barf or poop. Our rooms are expertly lit and photographed so beautifully that your shabby home and sad little life will pale in comparison. Find out if your antique dresser is Real Simple enough for baby’s room. What about the linens? Are they Real Simple enough? We unravel these complex issues for you. 2pm-3pm: The Ma Ingalls Hour Grab your stays and your gingham housedress and celebrate the old-fashioned art of settin’ up housekeepin’. It’s the best of the past without all the nasty things like cholera, plagues of locusts, and vermin-infested straw mattresses. We’ve revived weaving, quilting, and knitting…so what’s the next tedious 19th century task to make a comeback? Doing the laundry with a washboard and wringer! You know it’s the green thing to do, and you get to feel like a character from a Willa Cather novel. Next week: Trendy Urban Chicken Coops: They Don’t Smell THAT Bad. 3pm-4pm: The After-School Special Today’s drama: Tales From the School Bus. The whole world is out to get your kid and EVERYBODY is teasing him. Everybody. No. Really! Ev-ree-buh-dee, Mom! Starring Your Kid, Kristy McNichol as the caring teacher, Efrem Zimbalist Jr. as the bus driver, and Eve Plumb as the teenage alcoholic. 4pm-5pm: I Wonder How Many Times Today I Will Wash This High-Chair Tray? (repeat) Starring Gerber McZweiback and Arrowroot McTeether 5pm-6pm: Is It Still Today? Three more hours till bedtime. 6pm-7pm: It’s Dinnertime, Mommy! Store-brand mac and cheese, applesauce, Pinot Noir 7pm-8pm: The Mom Ethicist We’ll discuss which is worse…sneaking a cigarette in the garage every so often so we don’t set a bad example for our kids, and then realizing we’re a bunch of lying weasels, or just smoking in front of them like our 1960’s moms used to. Next week: Why is it ok to call it a play yard but not a playpen? 8pm-9pm: Smile, Dammit. Tales from the JC Penney Portrait Studio. Tonight’s episode: Families who wear matching sweaters and why they can’t be trusted. 9pm-10pm: What’s Up With That? Moms who floss their kids’ baby teeth. 10pm-11pm: The Third One Drove Me Over the Edge Taking at least a few pictures of your third baby so she won’t wind up in therapy over the fact that her empty baby book was mainly used to prop up the short leg of the coffee table. 11pm-12am: Laundry Tonight’s episode: Avoiding putting it away for yet another day. Tomorrow’s episode: You’re out of detergent. Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com. |
||
| ||
| ||
All original content © 2002 - 2013 Imperfect Parent®. Imperfect Parent and Mominatrix are registered trademarks.
The views, opinions and information expressed in articles and blog posts published on imperfectparent.com and all subdomains are those of the authors alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of The Imperfect Parent or its staff, nor do they represent the views or opinions of any entity of, or affiliated with, Imperfect Parent. The Imperfect Parent is designed for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for medical, health, legal, or financial advice from a professional.
Reproduction of material from any of Imperfect Parent's pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.
