Have you heard the latest Mom jokes?
By Kelley Cunningham
“Whaddya mean, MOM WHO?”
“So these three moms walk into a bar…”
“Wait a minute! How did three moms manage to arrange babysitting on the same night, have none of their children sick, have no other school function or girl scout meeting or T–ball game to attend, and have all three of their husbands not whine about them going out for the evening?”
Q: “How many moms does it take to change a light bulb?”
A: “Do I have to do everything around here? Change your own damn light bulb.”
“Because I who?”
“Because I said so.”
Q. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"
A. "Who gives a shit?"
A pretty young girl couldn’t help but focus
On the handsome young man’s hocus pocus.
Soon, lo and behold!
Two pink lines her fate foretold.
Now she drives a minivan in Ho-ho-kus.
Who couldn’t get her baby to suck it.
She called up La Leche and cried:
“I’ve tried and I’ve tried and I’ve tried,
But to breastfeeding I’m gonna say, Fuck it.”
Q: “What kind of a mother occasionally forgets how old her children are, cannot remember the exact date her kids received their chicken pox vaccines, has no desire to help her kids with math homework, and thinks 'sleepaway camp' are the two most beautiful words in the English language?”
A: “My kind of mom!”
Q: “Why did the mother cross the road?”
A: “To get some goddamned peace and quiet.”
“And then there was the dyslexic mom who wound up meditating all the time.” “Omm…”
“Once I heard about a mom who was so tired…”
“HOW TIRED WAS SHE?!”
“She was so tired that she actually went to bed early and let her husband watch the baby, AND SHE DIDN’T FEEL THE LEAST BIT GUILTY.”
Q: “Did you hear about the mother who was so secure she didn’t compare herself to other mothers and find herself wanting?”
“If the last time you had a manicure you were charged extra for removing the dried Desitin under your fingernails, then you just MIGHT be . . . a mother.”
“If you wound up paying $235.75 for a Backyardigans DVD that you finally got around to returning to Netflix after 23 months, then you just MIGHT be . . . a mother.”
Q: “Why did the mother wear red suspenders?”
A: “Because the elastic waist in her maternity jeans broke.”
Q: “What did the smug nursing infant say to the bottlefed baby?”
A: “A boob in the hand is worth two in the bra.”
Q: “Why are mothers still placed on top of pedestals?”
A: “Because we fucking deserve it.”
Q: “What do you get when you cross a romantic dinner for two, a bottle of chardonnay and a Luther Vandross CD?”
What is the world’s thinnest book?
What NOT to Expect When You’re Expecting
Q: What’s worse: Mom jeans or death?
A: Mom jeans, because if you’re dead at least you’ll be skinny after a while.
Q: “Did you hear about the mom who had no sense of humor?”
A: “That’s NOT funny.”
Hey! Is thing thing on?! Tap tap tap. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.
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