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Haiku for the Peri-Menopausal
By Kelley Cunningham |
March 10, 2008
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Old Friends
Over lunch, we laugh
And share common memories.
What’s your name again?
It’s Good For You
Eight glasses a day.
I spend my days in the john
But my skin looks great.
Circle of Life
Kids soar upward and
Glow with potential and youth
As I sag and shrink.
None for Me, Thanks.
I gained two pounds just
By smelling brownies baking.
No metabolism.
Justifiable Homicide
Just let me at him:
Guy who said hair doesn’t grow
Back after waxing.
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Life’s Mysteries
How come I don’t see
My long chin whisker until
After the party?
I am Empowered.
Back to work full time.
Two jobs now instead of one.
Resentful kids, too.
Super Absorbent
I bleed so much that
Tampax sends thank-you notes and
Vampires woo me.
Mobius Strip
I am not secure
Enough to let gray hair show
How secure I am.
The Three Faces of Herb
What’s that stuff that helps
Memory again? Oh, yeah:
Pinko Balboa.
Subscription
Between the Babe stage
And the Crone stage, there is one
Thing: More magazine.
Scoping You Out
What luck. I meet a
Cute doctor, but he’s doing my
Colonoscopy.
Muffin Top
Mom jeans or low-rise?
Your choice now: show butt crack and
Flab, or look dorky.
Brave New World
Once, I worried…my
Kids were speech-delayed. Now, they
Still don’t talk…they text.
“You Look Pale!”
I just realized
That my oldest son will be
Driving in two years.
Everyone Needs a Hobby
Just get used to it:
Plucking my eyebrows is now
An hourly chore.
Didn’t Think It Was Possible
I used to poop once
A day and bleed every month.
Now, it’s just reversed.
Confounding Interest
What am I doing wrong?
Auto deducts, 529’s …
Still, negative growth.
Go Figure
I’m tired but I
Can’t sleep. It’s cold, but I sweat
Like a horny hog.
Damp Basement
Hundreds of kegels.
Cross legs and sneeze … still I need
Those ghastly Poise pads.
Forgetful
Crosswords keep you sharp.
What’s a 9-letter word for
Middle-aged mother?
Hey! I’m Still Here!
What does a girl have
To do to get offensive
Wolf whistles these days?
Underwire
What is with these boobs?
Did someone deflate them when
I wasn’t looking?
Girding My Loins
Oldest is in high
School. Suddenly, college looms
Like a dark storm cloud.
Issac Newton
It doesn’t take a
Genius to see gravity’s
Effect on my ass.
The Tipping Point
At what age will I
Stop trying to be a babe
And embrace comfort?
Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.
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| Kelley Cunningham is a writer, award-winning artist, weekend poet, and an art director in children's publishing. Her work has been published in Brain,Child, Mamalicious, and The Funny Times. She has illustrated five books for children. A sampling of her amazing art talent can be seen at her website. Kelley lives in Pennsyltucky with her three wonderful sons. |
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