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Haiku for the Peri-Menopausal |
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| March 10, 2008
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Over lunch, we laugh And share common memories. What’s your name again? It’s Good For You Eight glasses a day. I spend my days in the john But my skin looks great. Circle of Life Kids soar upward and Glow with potential and youth As I sag and shrink. None for Me, Thanks. I gained two pounds just By smelling brownies baking. No metabolism. Justifiable Homicide Just let me at him: Guy who said hair doesn’t grow Back after waxing. How come I don’t see My long chin whisker until After the party? I am Empowered. Back to work full time. Two jobs now instead of one. Resentful kids, too. Super Absorbent I bleed so much that Tampax sends thank-you notes and Vampires woo me. Mobius Strip I am not secure Enough to let gray hair show How secure I am. The Three Faces of Herb What’s that stuff that helps Memory again? Oh, yeah: Pinko Balboa. Subscription Between the Babe stage And the Crone stage, there is one Thing: More magazine. Scoping You Out What luck. I meet a Cute doctor, but he’s doing my Colonoscopy. Muffin Top Mom jeans or low-rise? Your choice now: show butt crack and Flab, or look dorky. Brave New World Once, I worried…my Kids were speech-delayed. Now, they Still don’t talk…they text. “You Look Pale!” I just realized That my oldest son will be Driving in two years. Everyone Needs a Hobby Just get used to it: Plucking my eyebrows is now An hourly chore. Didn’t Think It Was Possible I used to poop once A day and bleed every month. Now, it’s just reversed. Confounding Interest What am I doing wrong? Auto deducts, 529’s … Still, negative growth. Go Figure I’m tired but I Can’t sleep. It’s cold, but I sweat Like a horny hog. Damp Basement Hundreds of kegels. Cross legs and sneeze … still I need Those ghastly Poise pads. Forgetful Crosswords keep you sharp. What’s a 9-letter word for Middle-aged mother? Hey! I’m Still Here! What does a girl have To do to get offensive Wolf whistles these days? Underwire What is with these boobs? Did someone deflate them when I wasn’t looking? Girding My Loins Oldest is in high School. Suddenly, college looms Like a dark storm cloud. Issac Newton It doesn’t take a Genius to see gravity’s Effect on my ass. The Tipping Point At what age will I Stop trying to be a babe And embrace comfort? Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com. |
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