GigaMama - A computer class for moms.
By Kelley Cunningham
Fear not! Here’s a little computer primer designed especially for you. You can reset your system preferences and upgrade your memory the easy way! All you have to do is learn these terms and you will SO be ready to get back to the office.
Hard Drive: A road trip without Gameboys or DVDs.
Internet: The mesh lining in a little boy’s bathing suit.
HTTP: The sound your kid makes when she has croup.
USB Connection: Stands for “Under the back Seat or the Bed.” It’s where the lost library book always is.
Modem: If your friend’s child lags behind your child in intellectual development, her kid is modem than yours.
Cable Modem: And the reason is he watches a lot more TV than your child.
Interface: When you lean down to kiss your child goodnight and she head-butts you.
Mouse: That annoying Disney creature.
Spam: Surprisingly, it doesn’t taste half bad!
www: Stands for “What Went Wrong?” A child-friendly version of WTF?
Shareware: A Care Bear with a rotten head cold.
Download Time: Procrastinating with laundry significantly increases download time, meaning the time it takes to carry all the laundry from the second floor to the basement washer/ dryer area.
Upload: When you can no longer see the wall behind your washer and dryer because of all the clean, folded laundry piled high, it’s time to bring the loads of clean laundry back upstairs and put it away.
File Transfer Protocol: The proper procedure for turning in the Boxtops For Education you’ve collected for your kid’s school.
Software: What your husband suddenly has after the kids barge into your bedroom.
Ethernet: Where Happy Meal toys go to die.
Fire Wire: When a preschooler calls 911 just for kicks.
Hardware: What your baby’s bibs become after they’ve been rinsed off and left to air dry.
A Word Doc: The speech therapist that tried to fix your kid’s lisp.
Wi-Fi: A shorter way of saying that the kids are fighting over the Wii again.
Port: A bottle or two of this tastes really good after a long day.
Burning A Disk: Exactly what it sounds like.
Gigabyte: When your giggling toddler charms you so much that you pick him up to hug him, and he bites you.
Gigahertz: Toddler teeth can be sharp.
MP3: A formula for figuring out the number of pee breaks you will need on a road trip. Let M = Mass, or the child’s weight. Let P = the number of juice boxes he drank before leaving. Multiply: M x P, and then multiply that number by 3.
Offline: When you are forced to leave a full cart of groceries at the checkout line and rush outside because your child chooses that time to soil herself.
.com: “I just checked on the baby, and he’s still napping. It’s all ‘dot-calm’ in there for now.”
Domain: Those four walls that keep closing in on you.
Cache: The bowl on the top shelf in which you hide all the good Halloween candy you’ve gleaned from the kid’s trick-or-treat bags.
Applications: Another word for those fake kiddy tattoos.
Startup Disk: The CD you avoid playing in the evening because it makes your husband horny.
Stuffit and Stuffit Expander: The process of packing and unpacking the car for road trips.
Bluetooth: The kid’s been eating tempera paint again.
Browser: Someone enjoying the luxury of shopping without children in tow.
System Folder: Someone who can always get the swaddling blanket wrapped up just right so the baby can’t kick it loose in two seconds.
Help Menu: When your mom visits and cooks dinner.
Member Sign-In: Celebrating the marital sacrament, which often leads to:
ColorSync Monitor: Trying to figure out if there are two pink lines or only one on the home pregnancy test.
Changing Your Profile: What happens to your figure soon after you realize that there were two pink lines.
Default Settings: When a child tries to blame his/her sibling for starting a fight.
Cut and Paste: If your kid doesn’t have these skills nailed, you can forget about sending him to that snooty preschool.
Log In: A successful potty training session.
Server: That would be you, Mom.
Force Quit: You can’t quit. Ever.
Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.
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