Before I had children, I used to be an art director in some pretty fancy-schmancy New York advertising agencies, let me tell you, so I have a pretty good idea of how this travesty came into being.

It all starts with a directive from the manufacturer (a.k.a. the “Client”). They ask their ad agency to create a TV “spot” that introduces their new product. The ad agency account executives (the suits) meet with the client and try to determine what the client wants to “say” with the new spot. Besides just “buy this crap now,” that is. What are the selling points? What makes this product great? How does this product differ from all the identical products already out there? Together with the client they determine a “strategy.”

Then the suits go back to the agency, hole up in an office, send some shlub out for coffee, and write a “brief.” The brief is a document that outlines the whole project and gives directions to the “creatives.” The “creatives” means the art director/copywriter team that will come up with the ideas for the words and pictures, basically.

They write a brief that is full of enough marketing-speak to satisfy the client, but has enough vagueness to completely confuse the creatives.

Creative Brief

Client: Johnson & Merck

Product: “Benny and the Jets” Children’s Allergy Single-dose Plastic Squirty Thingys (Working Title)

Job Name: Product Intro/30 second spot

Account Team: M.B.A. McClueless, Up N. Coming, Wide-eyed Newcomer, Intern McClientskid.

Creative Team: Overworked N. Underpaid, Freshoutta Artskuule, Jaded McArtsyfartsy, Wantstobee A. Realwriter

Strategy: This revolutionary single-serving dose pack design offers convenience, portability and moral salvation to the harried mothers of the world. The successful ad will focus on the “drop in your bag and go” idea, as that was an overwhelmingly positive factor in focus groups (see attached focus group summary document: Depressed Des Moines Moms React to J&M’s New Product Packaging, p 238).

More feedback from the focus groups indicated that mothers have a secret fear of being perceived as “loser moms” who “don’t have their shit together,” so let’s play on this as we develop our commercial.

Next Steps: Three separate concepts should be developed by the above creative team, none of whom have children or have even smelled a diaper, and should be ready for presentation to the above account team, none of whom have any children or have even smelled a diaper, no later than tomorrow morning

The suits present the brief to the creatives. The creatives get pissed off, because this means that any plans they might have had for the evening are shot to hell. The suits then go out for drinks, and the creatives shlump dejectedly back to their offices to call significant others and tell them that they will be working late.

They order up some deli/Chinese/Indian (pick one) and a bunch of Red Bulls and go to work. Jaded McArtsyfartsy throws darts at his ironic Simpsons dartboard in a mixture of self-awareness and catatonia as he discusses what motivates today’s mother with Wantstobee A. Realwriter, who is sprawled out on the office couch, which is upholstered in an ironic vintage fifties cowboy pattern. They try to determine what kind of language and concept will appeal to their target audience.

“Today’s mother is driven to excellence by competition. She enjoys being shown a better way by other mothers, and she would never feel resentful of this. She thinks she has it easy and loves spending every minute of her life managing her children’s lives. She feels completely fulfilled if their success at preschool comes at the expense of every goal and hope she has ever had for herself.”

“How do you know? Do you know any mothers?”

“What effing difference does that make? I see enough of them and their demon-seed brats every day at Starbucks.”

“You’re right. So, our concept has to make mothers feel guilty because they don’t have enough to feel guilty about in today’s parenting culture and that will spur them to buy this product.”

“Precisely . . . right on.”

Next: "They come up with three concepts to present to the suits."

Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.