What Are You Going To Be?
By Kelley Cunningham
Comes with vomit-encrusted fake beard, a busted geetar with a sound chip that plays “Baby Beluga” all warped and distorted, and an oversized whisky bottle with XXX on the label. It enhances the whole ensemble if the wearer mutters, “There ish no God!” at intervals.
Parenting Police Officer
This costume kit contains your own uniform (one size fits most), a badge, and a ticket booklet allowing you to issue summons for such offenses as car seat violations and juice box overdosing. Flashing scornful looks at parents for their lax parenting technique makes the costume really work!
Comes with a hair shirt, a halo, black makeup to enhance under-eye circles, a realistic-looking IV bag full of fake blood (or add your own!), keys to the minivan and an oversized PTA membership card. Shuffle along tiredly while in costume, repeating the phrase, “Yes, darlings, what can I do for you now?”
Costume kit contains a rotting, decaying red monster suit, big googly eyes with X’s on them, and a pair of fake rubber hands that go around the neck. Motion-activated soundchip plays, “Arghh! You’re choking Elmo! Don’t you like Elmo? Elmo cannot breathe! Arggh!”
Comes with a freshly-pressed, fifties-era daytime dress, a pair of heels, home-baked bread, a vacuum cleaner, a huge container of Valium, and an empty head.
You’ll receive a colonial-style dress and apron, a little white cap, big black clown shoes with buckles, and a big scarlet “A” to wear, all because you completely forgot about and didn’t attend the third grade choral concert. Order now and get the “Baby Pearl” costume as an added bonus.
The Word “No”
This ingenious box-shaped costume fits over the entire body, and reads “No!” on all sides. Sound chip plays “NO, we’re not there yet. NO, you can’t stay up late on a school night. NO, because I said so, that’s why.” This costume is very uncomfortable to wear because of its inflexibility, because, after all, SOMEONE’S got to be the disciplinarian.
Comes with Everlast boxing trunks, black and blue makeup, band-aids and oversized boxing gloves. Keep punching yourself in the head and beating yourself up for something, like we all do every day, to make the costume really work!
Shifty, the Newest Backyardigan
Shifty, the drug-addled, mentally-unstable squirrel, moves into the neighborhood and really shakes things up for the Backyardigans. Comes with a brightly-colored squirrel suit with a matted tail, spinning eyes, and a big bag of dope. It’s really dried oregano, but Pablo and Tyrone don’t know that!
Dora the Explorer has grown up and has moved on to what explorers do best: exploiting indigenous peoples. Comes with a map showing the way to the Indies, a treasure chest full of fool’s gold, and an extra costume for her sidekick Boots, now involved in bootlegging, piracy and plunder.
Nightmarish Apparition of Horror
Scare every parent into fits of hysteria with this frightening costume…a college tuition payment coupon booklet. Because Halloween is about getting scared, after all. Isn’t this fun?
Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.
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