“Mom, do we have our own gravitational pull?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

“We just don’t…”

“I’ll ask Dad.”

“Are you studying gravity in…”

“Mom? Can I get the happy meal?”

“No…last time you complained when you got the girl toy.”

“But I won’t this time, Mom.”

“Forget it.”

“Mom, can I take my Ninja sword to school?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“No toy weapons are allowed in school.”

“Well, that sucks.”

“Hey! Watch that language!”

“Dad says it.”

“Well, he shouldn’t.”

“Mom? Do aliens have ATM cards?”

“What?”

“What do aliens do, besides suck your brains and stuff?”

“Well, I guess they…”

“Mom, everybody hates me at school.”

“Everybody?”

“Well, A LOT of kids do.”

“Really? Who hates you?”

“All the girls.”

“All of them?”

“Well, maybe it’s…Emily.”

“How do you know?”

“She said that I like Barney videos.”

“You don’t like Barney videos.”

“I know, but that’s why I think she hates me.”

“When did she say this?”

“In line at recess.”

“Do you think she was just teasing you?”

“I guess.”

“I don’t think she hates you. It may mean she likes you. It’s funny, but sometimes when…”

“Mom, can I go to space camp?”

“What’s space camp?”

“A camp where they teach you space stuff and rocket stuff.”

“Where did you hear about it?”

“On TV.”

“Well, if you see it again find out…”

“Mom? What’s the worst job in the world?”

“Mom?”

“MOM!”

“I’m thinking.”

“Is it cleaning out Porta Potties?”

“Well, that would be one…”

“Mom? How do girls pee?”

“Um, well… um, just like boys but…”

“GIRLS DON’T HAVE PENISES!”

“Yes, dear, I know, but…”

“Hey Mom! Look! The letters are burned out on the Payless Shoe Source sign and now it says Less Shoe S!”

“Hey, that’s pretty funny!”

“Why is that funny?”

“Because they’re a shoe store with fewer shoes…um, never mind.”

“What’s fewer mean?”

“Less. Not as many as before.”

“Before what?”

“Never mind.”

“Mom? Can I wear my race car driver suit to bed?”

“I guess.”

“Where is it?”

“I don’t know…in the laundry?”

“Can you find it for me?”

“Nothing would give me more pleasure.”

“Mom? Can I get a motorized scooter?”

“No way.”

“But I could go to the store for you if I had one.”

“You’re seven years old.”

“So? How old do you have to be to ride a scooter?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we look it up?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You’re NOT getting a motorized scooter.”

“I’ll ask Dad. Mom? Can we play Bingo tonight?”

(Sigh)

“Can we?”

“We’ll see.”

“That means no. How about Monopoly?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It takes too long.”

“You never want to play any games with me.”

“What do you mean? We just played Connect Four for a whole…”

“Mom, what does a cork taste like?”

“Cork.”

“Hahahaha! That’s a good one, Mom!”

“Thank you.”

“You tasted a cork?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know?”

“What made you think about …”

“Mom? Can you bring me to the eye doctor?”

“Why? Are you having trouble seeing the blackboard?”

“What’s a blackboard?”

“What the teacher writes on…with chalk!”

“Hers is white and she uses markers that stink.”

“Oh, well, are you having trouble seeing it?”

“No.”

“Then why do you want…”

“Mom, what does 'futile' mean?”

Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com.