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The screaming trees, or, a days worth of school flyers |
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Join the Cub Scouts! Our homophobic, paramilitary organization has been building character for generations. Local dens now forming. Information session in the auditorium tonight. Topic: How building and racing wooden cars will bring you closer to your alienated son. Call for meeting time, which will likely be too early for fathers to attend as they will still be at work, thereby forcing their wives to take on one more child-centered activity. We need homemade goodies for the bake sale! No store-bought cookies please. Slice and bake is marginally acceptable. Please label all ingredients for our families afflicted with allergic children. Proceeds will benefit the PTA, but you’ll never find out exactly how. Permission Slip! Please sign and return so your child can attend the class trip to the L’il Acorns Children’s Museum. We need drivers! Please indicate number of seatbelts in your car and whether or not you take any anxiety-reducing drugs on a daily basis. Charge for the trip is two dollars. No child shall be excluded due to hardship. Check this box if you don’t have the two dollars and the fee will be covered by the PTA, however, they will confiscate your child’s $100.00 sneakers and sell them at the rummage sale next spring as this is seen as only fair. Please sign here: Parent/guardian/distant relative/caregiver/au pair/babysitter/nanny/foster parent/enabler. Local Jazz Concert! Enjoy the musical stylings of the Kool Katz, a hastily-thrown-together group of local musicians and expose your children to the tedium of live jazz. You know it’s good for them. Concerts at inconvenient times throughout the day on Saturday at the Bean Experience! Coffeebar/Ersatz Art Gallery. Resistance is Futile! Here are the Fall activities the recreation department is offering. Signing up for less than three ensures that community college is in your child’s future. Archery (insurance waiver must be signed), Bowling (using gutter guards so no child ever experiences and learns to handle disappointment), Karate (non-refundable uniform purchase required), Formless “Creative Movement” taught by the professionals of Two Left Feat Dance Studio (child must be old enough to walk), Talented Tots Mommy and Me Clappy-Hands Feel-Good Sing-Along (bring a carpet square and join the fun with Miss Molly and her Gee-tar), Soccer Skills Clinic (in case you didn’t get enough soccer the last ten months of the year), Hip-Hop and Break Dancing (no bling allowed as it scrapes the gym floor). Sign up at the rec center in person only, during ever-changing times that are totally inconvenient for working parents. Art Enrichment! A studio intensive taught by local artists that sounds really good but will only produce decorated milk carton planters for you to wonder what to do with months from now, and items involving glitter that will fall apart upon entry to your home. Hurry and sign up today! Openings are limited, for some reason. Pre-School Open House Night! Come and see all the local preschools give presentations, meet the directors, discuss the curriculums. Learn what all the preschools offer so you can make the right decision for your child. You’ll find that they’re all the same and you’ll just wind up sending your child to the school that offers the extended hours option. Time: 8-10 pm in the cafeteria. Don’t bother if this is your second or third child. Swim lessons! Nothing like changing into a swimming suit in a freezing locker room in winter, then walking home in the cold with wet hair, to teach your child a love of the water. Classes meet at the high school pool. Potty-trained kids only please! Please! Swim diapers don’t do the trick. Mothers, it’s okay to leave your tots with us. We are trained high schoolers who have signed a form swearing we won’t flirt with each other and ignore your child, letting him drown. Adult Night Out! Wooo! Are you ready to rock, Moms and Dads? Then come on down to the VFW Hall for a great night of dancing, spiked punch drinking and scoping out your neighbors for potential affair possibilities. This fun event benefits the high school scholarship fund. Last year two lucky students received $350.00 scholarships to use at the school of their choice. Once again the Pizza Hut will provide all the Dippin’ Strips pizza you can eat! Groove to the sounds of LogJam, the rockin’ band that played at the fourth of July festivities last summer. (Do you recognize LogJam’s bassist? It’s Mr. Krenshaw, the middle school’s Biology teacher!) This is an adult-only event…leave the kids with Grandma or a reasonably sober neighbor. Please note: any furtive dope smoking must not take place in the church parking lot next door. Have some respect. Parents! Many of you have still not signed up for the annual Spruce Up The School Day to be held next Saturday. We still need volunteers to paint the stairwells, weed the butterfly garden and replace the urinal cakes in the boy’s bathrooms. Please roll up your sleeves and join in the fun! Let’s make our children’s school a beautiful place in which to learn/suffer the tauntings of bullies. Notice! The school cannot be held responsible for any child dropped off before the school day begins at 8:30. We have noticed an increase in this lately, and it is beyond the capacity of the school to supervise these feral children before the first bell rings. So please, no matter how rotten your kid is in the mornings, don’t unload him/her on the school before our teachers have had their morning coffee. Remember To Read! Reading to your child is the best way you can ensure your child’s academic success. Read at least fifteen minutes a night, come hell or high water, and mark off the minutes on the detachable I’m A Great Reader! form in back of the monthly newsletter. It is acceptable to make copies of the form if you need more space and are really trying to impress the teachers. Please initial every entry and be sure to have each page notarized. Turn in your form(s) at the end of the month along with your cereal box tops. Your child will get a sticker to wear on his or her shirt which will be forgotten until it shows up mangled in the lint trap of your clothes dryer, and the school gets a dime for every 100 box tops! Together we can change reading from an enjoyable pastime to a dreaded, mandated chore! PTA-Sponsored lecture: “How To Raise Perfect Kids.” Marilyn Guiltmonger, PhD, will speak at the Middle School auditorium Tuesday night at eight. Dr. Guiltmonger is the author of the book “It’s Your Fault” and a well-respected educator who was much too busy on the lecture circuit to have children of her own. She will enlighten us about the numerous ways in which we lead our children astray, point out our ham-handed parenting methods/utter ineptitude and give us exercises that will magically correct these issues. Stick around for the question and answer session afterwards…it oughta be good. Need more Kelley? A hefty collection of her great essays, What's the Matter With Mommy?, is now available on Amazon.com. |
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