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The Worst Christmas Ever

By Chag Holland



Seven years ago on Christmas Eve morn, Ella and I were busy packing for a visit to her parents' home when she excitedly said, "I think I'm late!" We had only started trying, so I was skeptical that we would conceive so quickly.

We dropped what we were doing and rushed out and bought a home pregnancy kit. After seeing the two pink lines, we briefly celebrated before returning to the drug store to buy two more pregnancy kits, just to be sure. I would've driven her to the OB/GYN doctor that morning if they would have been open.

We had the best present ever to give to our parents: a grandchild for Christmas! After much deliberation, we decided to let our parents know by drawing caricatures of a baby with a speech bubble that read, "Hi! I'm your grandchild! I'll see you in August!" We framed and wrapped the caricatures and decided to have our mothers open these packages after all of the other Christmas presents had been opened.



And yes, I realize this was cheesy as hell. But the combination of Christmas and babies can make you do lame and cheesy things.

When we got to my in-laws' home, we tried our best to act like everything was normal but it was difficult with the big Cheshire Cat grins plastered across our faces. Ella's constant rubbing of her stomach didn't help. But we made it to bedtime without spilling our guts, so we figured our Christmas secret was safe.

Around 2:00 AM, we heard yelling coming from downstairs. We figured Ella's nephew had come home drunk again and was having words with Ella's father, so we thought nothing of it and drifted back to sleep.

Like kids, we woke up at 6:00 AM on Christmas morning. Only we weren't eager to open our presents; we wanted our present to be opened. We went downstairs to find Ella's nephew passed out on the couch. Ella's mother told us that he had stolen some of his mother's OxyContin pills and was "sleeping it off."

As Ella's mother was preparing breakfast, Ella's nephew woke up in a belligerent state. He started yelling, cursing, and throwing things. This went on for about fifteen minutes before Ella's father threw him out of the house.

This caused Ella's mother and father get into a fight. "He should spend Christmas with his family!" she argued. I believe if she had taken an informal poll around the breakfast table, she would have found herself in a minority of one. But she won out in the end and made him go find Ella's nephew.

He didn't have to go far as Ella's nephew was sitting on the curb at the end of the street. It was Christmas morning, where could he go? When he came back into the house, he was even more belligerent because he was angry and embarrassed for being thrown out of the house. Ella's mother tried to diffuse the situation by suggesting we open presents.

The fun didn't last long before Ella's nephew began complaining that his younger brother received better presents that he did. Ella's father told him to go upstairs and stop ruining everyone's Christmas, but Ella's mother went upstairs and got him five minutes later.

There were only a few presents left to be opened. Despite everything that happened up to that point, we still couldn't wait for them to open our Christmas present. But then the doorbell rang.

It was a police officer.

I took Ella's younger nephew upstairs to play some video games. I didn't want to be a part of what was about to go down and he definitely didn't need to be a part of it. He had already seen enough undesirable behavior from his brother and mother over the years and didn't need to be present for any further drama, especially on Christmas.

Apparently, one of Ella's nephew's friends had come home on Christmas morning in a similar state. When pressed for information, he informed his parents that Ella's nephew had sold him some OxyContin pills.

When she heard this, Ella marched up to her sister and shouted, "Did you make your own son sell your OxyContin pills?" She denied it, but it really wasn't too far-fetched of a scenario given her past.

As the police officer, Ella's father, and Ella's older nephew spoke in the other room, Ella walked over to the Christmas tree, picked up our gift to the family, threw it on the couch and shouted, "Merry Fucking Christmas!"

Luckily, when we had my mother open our package, it was much less stressful.


A former rock star, programmer, fashion model, thespian, ballroom dance instructor, and master of hyperbole, Chag Holland is now married to a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and is a stay-at-home dad to the two most beautiful children in the world. He'd show you pictures but he thinks you're all psychopathic stalkers. Chag can also be found at Cynical Dad.

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