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Helpless Wanted |
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After six-and-a-half years of being a stay-at-home dad, I am preparing to re-enter the workforce. And that scares the crap out of me. I realize I have a lot of strikes against me. There aren't many jobs out there, especially ones that will let you work only nights and weekends. I don't have a college degree or any marketable skills. I'll be hauling a résumé with a hole in it that rivals the Grand Canyon. How do you explain that? "Mr. Holland, it says here that your last job was in 2002. What have you been doing all this time?" "Playing with toys, potty training, and perfecting the art of the grilled cheese sandwich." Of course, it probably won't even get to that point. I have a strong suspicion many potential employers will automatically throw my application in the trash can after they read I haven't had a regular paying job in the past six years. When preparing my résumé, I came to the realization that I've only held five jobs with a steady paycheck in my lifetime, three of which came before I turned twenty-one: animal cage cleaner at a laboratory, selling clothes to old people, gas station attendant, office manager, and web programmer. Unfortunately, I don't see too many jobs calling for a mix of these skills, like cleaning out old people's cages. But I'm not giving up hope! The truth is I only have two redeeming qualities: I am incredibly intelligent and extremely handsome. But unless George Clooney suddenly drops dead, these qualities aren't going to help land me a job. So where does this leave me? I'm not qualified for my dream job at the campus used book/CD store because I'm not thin enough or young enough and I threw out most of my black clothes six years ago. I lack the pompous, mightier-than-thou attitude necessary to be a barista at Starbucks. Since I have the experience, I could easily get a job as a gas station attendant, but my wife has nixed that idea because the only people that enter a gas station anymore are those planning on robbing it. While I could get a job stocking the shelves at Target, I'd be working with a lot of the high school kids in the neighborhood who would probably start calling me "Gramps" while pestering me to buy them beer all the time. I'm too young to be a greeter at Wal-Mart, but too old to work at the movie theater. I could try to be a waiter but since my wages would be dependent on how pleasant I am to people, I would probably pull in something like $16.82 a week. I've thought about applying at a credit card collection agency, but figured that job would be way too depressing. Plus, there is a damn good chance I would eventually end up dialing my own number. If Home Depot was foolish enough to hire me, I would use my nonexistent knowledge of hardware and home improvements to constantly misinform customers until the fateful day I accidentally destroy a display with a forklift. Hell, I won't even be able to get a job selling steak knives door-to-door because most people won't open their doors after 7:00 PM. Especially to someone brandishing sharp objects. So what prospects are left? Hell if I know. I'm either too young, too old, or simply unqualified for every job on the market. So don't act too surprised if you find me handing you your Egg McMuffin in the McDonald's drive-thru one day soon. Feel free to make all the McChag, McDad, and McYouShouldHaveGottenYourCollegeDegree jokes you like. But if you need someone exceptionally handsome and intelligent to appear at your next gathering, slip me a twenty and your email address. |
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