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Helpless Wanted |
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| April 14, 2009
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After six-and-a-half years of being a stay-at-home dad, I am preparing to re-enter the workforce. And that scares the crap out of me. I realize I have a lot of strikes against me. There aren't many jobs out there, especially ones that will let you work only nights and weekends. I don't have a college degree or any marketable skills. I'll be hauling a résumé with a hole in it that rivals the Grand Canyon. How do you explain that? "Mr. Holland, it says here that your last job was in 2002. What have you been doing all this time?" "Playing with toys, potty training, and perfecting the art of the grilled cheese sandwich." Of course, it probably won't even get to that point. I have a strong suspicion many potential employers will automatically throw my application in the trash can after they read I haven't had a regular paying job in the past six years. When preparing my résumé, I came to the realization that I've only held five jobs with a steady paycheck in my lifetime, three of which came before I turned twenty-one: animal cage cleaner at a laboratory, selling clothes to old people, gas station attendant, office manager, and web programmer. Unfortunately, I don't see too many jobs calling for a mix of these skills, like cleaning out old people's cages. But I'm not giving up hope! The truth is I only have two redeeming qualities: I am incredibly intelligent and extremely handsome. But unless George Clooney suddenly drops dead, these qualities aren't going to help land me a job. So where does this leave me? I'm not qualified for my dream job at the campus used book/CD store because I'm not thin enough or young enough and I threw out most of my black clothes six years ago. I lack the pompous, mightier-than-thou attitude necessary to be a barista at Starbucks. Since I have the experience, I could easily get a job as a gas station attendant, but my wife has nixed that idea because the only people that enter a gas station anymore are those planning on robbing it. While I could get a job stocking the shelves at Target, I'd be working with a lot of the high school kids in the neighborhood who would probably start calling me "Gramps" while pestering me to buy them beer all the time. I'm too young to be a greeter at Wal-Mart, but too old to work at the movie theater. I could try to be a waiter but since my wages would be dependent on how pleasant I am to people, I would probably pull in something like $16.82 a week. I've thought about applying at a credit card collection agency, but figured that job would be way too depressing. Plus, there is a damn good chance I would eventually end up dialing my own number. If Home Depot was foolish enough to hire me, I would use my nonexistent knowledge of hardware and home improvements to constantly misinform customers until the fateful day I accidentally destroy a display with a forklift. Hell, I won't even be able to get a job selling steak knives door-to-door because most people won't open their doors after 7:00 PM. Especially to someone brandishing sharp objects. So what prospects are left? Hell if I know. I'm either too young, too old, or simply unqualified for every job on the market. So don't act too surprised if you find me handing you your Egg McMuffin in the McDonald's drive-thru one day soon. Feel free to make all the McChag, McDad, and McYouShouldHaveGottenYourCollegeDegree jokes you like. But if you need someone exceptionally handsome and intelligent to appear at your next gathering, slip me a twenty and your email address. |
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1. SciFi Dad
Apr 14, 2009 10:01
1. The google adsense for the feed for this post read "Ordinary people working ordinary jobs DO reach financial freedom and you can too". I originally thought this was part of the post.2. What about working for the local government? Aren't there jobs driving a truck and picking up roadkill? This could leverage your skill set (gas pump operation, animal cleaning, old people - they can get hit by cars too).
2. TwoBusy
Apr 14, 2009 14:22
Any chance the hot librarian needs an assistant?3. foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)
Apr 14, 2009 19:41
Oh, Chag...I seriously worked a summer at a Home Depot-esque store. It was god awful. I didn't know what the heck I was doing. "What type of screw is this?" "I don't know. Are you asking me if I know it is or if I want to?" I don't even put it on my resume (which hasn't been updated in...gah! Nearly a decade! I fear I'll never work in this town, or any town, again.4. the weirdgirl
Apr 15, 2009 00:59
I have something like 15 jobs under my belt, which is probably worse. Good thing I know how to spin a resume.You can't just get 25 more gigs like this and daddy blog the hell out of them?
5. Christina
Apr 15, 2009 21:57
At least you can get a job at McDonald's. When they see my college degree, a gap in employment, plus the fact that I am a woman who might have more kids, no one looks at my resume!6. delmer
Apr 16, 2009 21:16
Have you considered Male Dancer?Chaggendale.
7. Jessica
May 14, 2009 23:52
I am a stay-at-home mom/part time poker dealer in Kansas City. I only work weekends.I'm thankful I worked there full time before kids. Casinos will no doubt be hiring part time employees, especially now. They don't want to hire full-time so they don't have to pay out benefits/retirement.
We keep our own tips, so there is a lot of money to be made. All they want is a quiet dealer that throws cards and pushes pots.