You Can Have Fun On Halloween Without A Haunted Garage

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You Can Have Fun On Halloween Without A Haunted Garage

By Chag Holland

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Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. As a child, I loved spending the night trying to snag as much candy as humanly possible. Once I even tried to create my own Haunted Forest, but that was a total bust because no one showed up. As I grew older, the emphasis shifted away from the treats and toward the tricks. After that came costume parties at bars and friends' apartments. And then nine years ago, I received the greatest Halloween treat anyone could ask for: I proposed to my wife and she said, "Yes." I could hardly wait to have kids of my own so I could pass my passion for Halloween on to them.

When we bought our first home before we had kids, I had big dreams of turning our garage into a scary little maze for the neighborhood children. Maybe I had seen too many Halloween episodes of Roseanne, but the eleven year old inside of me who tried to create a Haunted Forest wanted to give the kids a special Halloween treat. My wife, the one with all the common sense in this relationship, talked me out of it. She pointed out that others might view a man trying to lure children into his garage as creepy and that I would only be a single sequined white glove away from receiving a visit from the police. So I promised her I would put my plans on hold until we had kids.

But as I have learned in my six years of parenthood, some of the things you plan to do with your kids often fall by the wayside due to time constraints. My Haunted Garage is currently filled with boxes of clothes no one will ever wear again, cleaning supplies, paint cans, non-functioning computers and televisions, and lawn equipment. Sure, I could invite the kids over for a Haunted Swap Meet, but I doubt the effect would be the same.

But even though I have yet to give my kids their Haunted Garage, we still pack in a lot of fun during the weeks before Halloween. We visit every fall festival, corn maze, pumpkin patch, costume contest, trunk or treat, and hayride in a thirty-mile radius. Basically, if you hold an event in October that mentions candy or pumpkins, we'll be there. If you're loading up your truck with straw to put on your lawn, there's a good chance you'll find us in the bed of your pickup, looking for a ride around the parking lot.

But like most families, the pre-game festivities pale in comparison to Halloween night. We usually pick up a pizza to scarf down before the trick-or-treaters begin arriving. As the doorbell starts ringing, we dress the kids in their costumes. At 7:00 PM, we turn out the lights and hit the neighborhood.

We usually only visit ten houses. We drop by the misanthropic old woman who leaves a bucket of candy on her front porch so she doesn't have to talk to the kids, yet she's always got her nose smashed against the side pane of her front door to ensure everyone's only taking one piece. We visit the guy down the street who passes out alcoholic witches' brew to the adults. We hit the kids' friends' houses and a few other neighbors. Then we come back to our house and sit on the front porch and hand out candy. After we put the kids to bed, I go over to the next neighborhood to watch '80s slasher flicks that are projected onto the side of a guy's house. Beer, popcorn, and blood: the perfect nightcap for Halloween!

But this year we're going to try something a little different. I'm planning on taking the kids on a much longer trek through the neighborhood. They love ringing the doorbells, hearing the adults ooh and aah over their costumes, and watching the candy drop in their buckets. They like running into their friends along the way and seeing their costumes. You can never have too much of a good thing, right? That's why this year we're going to visit every single house on our street. If anyone passes out from exhaustion or a sugar crash, I'll just throw 'em in the back of the little red wagon and keep going. I'm also hoping that with a convincing pep talk, they'll want to go through the Haunted Garage two streets over. I saw it last year and must admit it wasn't bad for an amateur. But I could do better.

One of these days, I'll get around to cleaning out the garage so I can create a Haunted Garage of my own. I only hope my kids are still young enough to enjoy it.

If not, there's always the grandkids.

A former rock star, programmer, fashion model, thespian, ballroom dance instructor, and master of hyperbole, Chag Holland is now married to a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model and is a stay-at-home dad to the two most beautiful children in the world. He'd show you pictures but he thinks you're all psychopathic stalkers. Chag can also be found at Cynical Dad.

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