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Dear President Obama |
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First of all, please allow me to offer my congratulations. You're getting the keys to the White House! I am quite envious of you. If I were elected President, I would probably spend the first month or so just jerking around. I would take pictures of my friends and me with our index fingers perched precariously over the little red button. For kicks, I would drive the Secret Service agents assigned to protect me crazy by constantly trying to elude them. I would ask to see the Area 51 files. I would order one of everything from the White House chef. I would buy my kids two puppies. I would explore all of the secret rooms and tunnels in the White House. I bet that place is well-equipped for a serious Super Bowl party, am I right? Basically, I would be a lot like Tom Hanks when he got his apartment in Big, jumping around on the trampoline all day. While you did receive my vote in the general election, I'm not one of your starry-eyed supporters who believes you will just sprinkle your Magic "Change" Fairy Dust everywhere and – POOF! – all of our problems will be solved. I know things will take time. So take a week to change the drapes and make the place feel more like home. But after that, it will be time to get down to business. Enact all your pet projects. End the war in Iraq. Create an affordable healthcare system for all citizens. Cut taxes for the middle class. Reform the education system. But don't stop there. I would like to see you fine companies that outsource jobs to other countries. I would like to see all children's products tested for hazardous materials, but in a way that doesn't make it too costly for small businesses. I would like to see certain powers taken from individual states. If you can be legally married in one state, you should be able to do the same in all states. I would also like to see you pass legislation that heavily fines any advertising agency or film studio that portrays a father as a bumbling fool. Ok. Maybe I'm the only one pushing for that last request. But no matter what you do, you're going to have a lot of angry followers in a few months. I truly believe there are people who voted for you who think you will pay off their cars, credit card balances, and mortgages, and give them the dream jobs they have yearned for their entire lives. Hell, I would love for you to do that for me. But we both know that's not going to happen. So let's address the 800-pound gorilla in the room: the economy. I have a simple plan that will not only create jobs, but will also increase consumer spending. Two words: flying cars. Part of me believes this technology already exists and the government is just keeping this information from us like they do with zombie warriors and pills that really do lengthen your penis. But in case it doesn't, you should obtain funding for this project immediately upon entering office. The best part of my plan is you don't have to worry about cutting other projects or raising taxes to get the funding for flying cars. You'll be able to take it from the monies set aside for building new roads and improving the existing infrastructure. Once we have flying cars, the only people that will still be using roads will be those dirty bicycling hippies, so those programs will be obsolete. After the technology is in place, share it with everyone in the auto industry. Let them create flying Hummers, flying Corvettes, flying Hyundais, whatever. Long dormant plants will reopen and millions of workers will be hired to produce these magnificent vehicles. This will be the bailout the automobile industry has been begging for the past few months. Just think what flying cars will do for the economy! Everyone, except for the aforementioned dirty hippie bicyclists, will be lining up outside the flying car dealerships, money in hand, salivating over the chance to own a flying car. This could be your legacy. Make it happen! And oh yeah, a $10,000 per child tax credit would be nice, too. Hugs & Kisses, Chag |
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