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It's A Wonder I Made It Out Of Middle School Alive |
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While I look forward to this special time of the year, it's not because my kids are heading back to school. I'm not one of those parents that counts down the days until summer vacation ends. I actually like spending time with my kids though, truth be told, they are probably better off returning to school as my parental creative juices have all but dried up. No, I dig the hot days of mid-August because it means back-to-school shopping! Yeah, I know I'm in the minority on this one and most people hate toting the kids to Target to let them pick out Bratz and Transformers backpacks, lunchboxes, and notebooks. But let me let you in on one of my many dirty little secrets: I dig office supplies. Seriously, it's almost a borderline fetish or something. I'm the guy that needs to take a cold shower after a trip to Staples. There were tons of important decisions to be made. Do I go with a themed notebook or plain notebook? While the plain notebook had its advantages, like the ability to use an eraser to write the class subject or the Van Halen logo on the front cover, a themed notebook instantly showed everyone where you stood on a certain topic. It was like wearing gang colors. But the themed notebook also had a huge disadvantage: pick the wrong one and you're a social leper. Show up on the first day of school with a Smurfs notebook when everyone else is rocking Return Of The Jedi notebooks and you might as well be wearing a dress. As I progressed through school, I was introduced to things like scientific calculators, protractors, and compasses, the latter being the only school supply that could double as a deadly weapon. I'm sure they've been outlawed from schools because we live in such a wimpy society. Of all the school supplies I've owned in the past, the one nearest and dearest to my heart was the Trapper Keeper. With its folders, pockets, and plastic rings, it was as if someone had sent it directly from the heavens. It was truly a thing of beauty. While the Trapper Keeper could be used to effectively conceal an erection, I evidently had the only notebook in the world that also caused one. Over the years, my love of school supplies became more focused: I became obsessed with pens. I don't need one of those fancy two hundred dollar pens like the ones used by executives with more money than brains. The pens I prefer cost a little more than a dollar a piece. I carry one, preferably two, with me at all times. They must contain black ink and have an ultra fine point. Admit it. You're getting a little aroused, aren't you? I am very attached to my pens. Hell, I don't even like my wife to borrow them. Recently, I attended a speech given by a man with Asperger's Syndrome. After his speech, I went up and talked with him for a few moments. He was explaining something to me and said, "This would probably be easier for you to understand if I drew you a picture. Can I borrow your pen?" I started to sweat. He wanted to borrow my pen! I knew I would look like a major jerk to everyone in attendance if I refused to let him borrow my pen, so I begrudgingly handed it to him. But the entire time he was drawing his little chart and explaining it to me, I was tuning him out. The only thing that was going through my mind was, "Oh, God. What if he doesn't give me my pen back? Is it okay to ask someone with Asperger's Syndrome to give you your pen back? Will I look like an asshole? What's the protocol here?" We bought our kids their back-to-school supplies over the weekend. I saw my daughter get a little gleam in her eye while she was checking out the pencil sharpeners. I don't think I've ever been prouder of her than I was in Aisle 8B. So have fun with your back-to-school shopping! Just be sure to remind your kids that the choices they're about to make will affect their next year at school and possibly beyond. And please ignore the guy in the raincoat fondling the pens. |
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