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This one's for the boys.
By Rachael Brownell |
June 12, 2007
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Read more: rugrat reprieve, fathers day
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Fathers are frequently under-appreciated hardworking, dishes-cleaning-up, bottle-getting, paycheck-bringing-home sports-watching, wife-angering confused-heads. Honestly, you could not pay me enough to swap my lady bits for a man package… no matter how privileged and easily orgasmed the lot of them are.
To be a man in this society means to be wrong most of the time, all the while carrying around the equipment and the gender of rightness. To have (on a good day) no clue what you did to deserve that particular look, or door slam, or low-level simmering resentment. If you are a man, to put it mildly, you’re in a bit of a pickle.
But let’s say you survived Mother’s Day relatively unscathed. You bought the spa certificate, the flowers, and watched the kids for the afternoon so she could get out. What are your hopes and dreams for Father’s Day? Maybe a nice sleep-in, a shag, a baseball game, or time to read a good book. Should you be a highly evolved sort, perhaps Father’s Day will involve a free morning for yoga, a kefir cleanse, or tantra.
Whatever the case, one thing is certain. You probably haven’t surrendered more than 30 seconds of your man brain to thoughts about Father’s Day. You probably don’t even know in 2007 it’s on June 17th. And that, my friend, is part of your charm: Low expectations. The sisters could take a page from your book, don’t you agree?
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So this one’s for you. Father’s Day is afoot and I’m here to help the ladies find it in their hearts to give you something you’ll really, really love: Man Candy. Far better than free time, stronger than a good dark beer, more fun than a naked tickle fight, Man Candy is the assortment of goodies that makes you hum with happiness. The selection of candied sweetness of course varies from man to man, so we’ll let the women sort out your favorite.
There are as many kinds of Man Candy as there are embarrassed husbands in the tampon aisle -- some material, some spiritual, some sensual. You men can sit back and relax while we discuss amongst ourselves.
- Passionate Kisses – These little darlings can knock your socks off. Do you know what makes a kiss passionate? I’m convinced it is intention more than anything else. If you’re thinking about laundry and checkbooks when you go in for some mouth-love, you’ll communicate it. If you’re thinking of ravishing your personal lust object I think you’ll find the results more sparkly. For a hot little tutorial, go here.
- Praise – Men like to hear that they are spectacular. And yes, I do mean in bed. But honestly? They also like to know you think highly of them in the regular run of things. Praise is easily given to men (well, it’s not easy when you’re pissed, but if you try try try, you can muster it). Start small: “Honey, thank you for doing the dishes, being a good father, bringing home the bacon, helping me raise these kids.” Or try, “Thank you for being such a cunning linguist!” Well, if not that then just stick to the dishes comment.
- Loving Touch – I’m often told that I miss opportunities to rub shoulders, pat backs, and rub heads in the daily turmoil of things. And truthfully? I do shy away from any physical man-contact (as afraid as I am of giving any sign that I want to immediately run upstairs). But everyone needs loving touch. And it’s an easy way to offer man love without later requiring laundering.
In order to properly offer Man Candy, let’s put first things first. Because like you, daddies cannot relax when all the rugrats are running around yelling, fighting and creating gooey messes, and proper fatherly appreciation starts with good planning. Mark your calendar (you can mark it MCD = “Man Candy Day”) and get grandma or sitter all signed up for a 3 – 8 hour stint.
Next, juice him up with serious Man Candy a few days prior. Touch, praise, love. When MCD finally arrives, dress yourself up all pretty like. Plan an outing and an adventure that he will enjoy. Remember that novelty is one of the world’s best aphrodisiacs. Take him on a Sin Date (tattoo parlor, fantasy shop, head shop, beer making storefront) and talk all about him.
But time out for a second. Just suppose you and your honey aren’t getting along right now? Let’s say (hypothetically) that your marriage is on the rocks, even. Here’s what I’ll say on that topic (and believe me I know from rocks). Sometimes a few sessions of hot loving can do a lot to repair broken trust and simmering resentment. If even that is off the mark, then try proffering some of that Man Candy. You might be surprised at who emerges from that dim little man cave to greet you.
And men, thank you for all you do.
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Rachael Brownell is formerly the writer of CrankMama, now writing at Redsy. Rachael writes and edits for Babble. She is a snark- and love-filled mother of a grillion daughters, and wife to 1 tired but loving husband. She lives in Bellingham, WA and is attempting to rid the world of parental exhaustion, one reprieve at a time.
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