Mominatrix

How do I help my wife with her low sex drive?

By Kristen Chase
Dear Mominatrix:

My wife is a beautiful mother of 2 who says she has no sex drive- zero. What can I do to help? I tell her how beautiful she is? I tell her she's the only woman I fantasize about. I listen to her/ we're great friends -- I just want to help her in any way I can. Any advice?


-Anthony

 
Dear Anthony:
 
My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife's sex drive. It happens to the best of women, and is, quite sadly, a common side effect of motherhood. It's like fate tempts you with the hot, horny preggo who just can't get enough of you only for your hopes and erection to be dashed by a tired, bedraggled mom who would sooner sleep or even just pee alone rather than have sex.
 
But then as the kids get older and sleep and sanity are actually more within reach, she's playing chef and chauffeur, and the only thing you're scoring is your kid's soccer game.
 
You poke, she rolls away, and if you're lucky, you get a little back scratch and a spoon to tide you over until you're brave enough to try again.
 
Libido loss can be challenging to diagnose, particularly for a woman, where you're probably dealing with a myriad factors and not just one simple problem that a teeny blue pill could fix on a dude.
 
Here are the Mominatrix's five common libido killers in new and experienced moms:
 
Birth control
Any hormone-laden birth control methods can be big time libido zappers. It could be as simple as changing a dosage or delivery method, or taking yourself in for a little sniparoo if you're done having kids. 
 
Pain
Even BDSM folks don't generally dig vaginal or c-section scar pain during sex. A simple bad stitch job or lag in healing can make even the simplest sex acts not so fun. Lube can often times help alleviate some of the pain that can be exacerbated by vaginal dryness, but if it lingers, she should talk to her OB or Midwife.
 
Body issues
The post baby body, whether it's immediately after birth or a few years later, can be hugely disconcerting to a woman. No matter how beautiful you think she is, a self-conscious mom, be it baby rolls, cellulite thighs, or a leaking vagina, is not a sexy one.
 
Boredom
If you're selling the same old stuff that you did before kids, you might want to change things up. Her body has changed, so your old tricks might not be working on this new dog. This doesn't mean popping a porno into the DVD player, but it might be stretching your own sexual creative muscles other than just waving that one around in her face.
 
Emotions
Depression, anxiety, and general overwhelm are common for new and seasoned moms and can launch a full attack on the female libido. Take a step outside the bedroom and figure out what's going on with her (and your) life in general before you chalk it up to a simple lack of desire. Sometimes just being present and chipping in with things not on your honey-do list can stoke the fire.
 
So with all this in mind, lose the begging and bullshitting; do you really think she believes she's the only one you fantasize about? Take your hand off your dick or off her ass, and extend it to her as a loving husband who cares about his wife and mother of his kids. Sometimes that's the sexiest move a horny daddy can make.


You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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