How do I help my wife with her low sex drive?

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Dear Mominatrix:

My wife is a beautiful mother of 2 who says she has no sex drive- zero. What can I do to help? I tell her how beautiful she is? I tell her she’s the only woman I fantasize about. I listen to her/ we’re great friends — I just want to help her in any way I can. Any advice?

Dear Anthony:
My deepest condolences on the loss of your wife’s sex drive. It happens to the best of women, and is, quite sadly, a common side effect of motherhood. It’s like fate tempts you with the hot, horny preggo who just can’t get enough of you only for your hopes and erection to be dashed by a tired, bedraggled mom who would sooner sleep or even just pee alone rather than have sex.
But then as the kids get older and sleep and sanity are actually more within reach, she’s playing chef and chauffeur, and the only thing you’re scoring is your kid’s soccer game.
You poke, she rolls away, and if you’re lucky, you get a little back scratch and a spoon to tide you over until you’re brave enough to try again.
Libido loss can be challenging to diagnose, particularly for a woman, where you’re probably dealing with a myriad factors and not just one simple problem that a teeny blue pill could fix on a dude.
Here are the Mominatrix’s five common libido killers in new and experienced moms:
Birth control
Any hormone-laden birth control methods can be big time libido zappers. It could be as simple as changing a dosage or delivery method, or taking yourself in for a little sniparoo if you’re done having kids. 
Even BDSM folks don’t generally dig vaginal or c-section scar pain during sex. A simple bad stitch job or lag in healing can make even the simplest sex acts not so fun. Lube can often times help alleviate some of the pain that can be exacerbated by vaginal dryness, but if it lingers, she should talk to her OB or Midwife.
Body issues
The post baby body, whether it’s immediately after birth or a few years later, can be hugely disconcerting to a woman. No matter how beautiful you think she is, a self-conscious mom, be it baby rolls, cellulite thighs, or a leaking vagina, is not a sexy one.
If you’re selling the same old stuff that you did before kids, you might want to change things up. Her body has changed, so your old tricks might not be working on this new dog. This doesn’t mean popping a porno into the DVD player, but it might be stretching your own sexual creative muscles other than just waving that one around in her face.
Depression, anxiety, and general overwhelm are common for new and seasoned moms and can launch a full attack on the female libido. Take a step outside the bedroom and figure out what’s going on with her (and your) life in general before you chalk it up to a simple lack of desire. Sometimes just being present and chipping in with things not on your honey-do list can stoke the fire.
So with all this in mind, lose the begging and bullshitting; do you really think she believes she’s the only one you fantasize about? Take your hand off your dick or off her ass, and extend it to her as a loving husband who cares about his wife and mother of his kids. Sometimes that’s the sexiest move a horny daddy can make.

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  • Some guy

    Ummmmmm sounds like some bull to me. I’ve been with my wife for nearly 10 years we have 2 kids I cook I clean and still get the lame excuse of I’m just not really in the mood because im tired from the kids. I help as much as I can.

  • Fred_Evil

    Only works if you can convince her to visit a doctor. If she doesn’t even recognize there’s a problem, much less that it is on her side of the bed, nothing will come of this.

  • Fred_Evil

    Women are too convinced that they cannot be at fault, it MUST be a bad husband. Lord forbid they check the mirror and realize they’re just lazy.

  • Fred_Evil

    Sounds like your husband has soured you on men in a big way. It’s astonishing how ready you are to ASSUme that the man is totally at fault. Hardly surprising.
    Never mind a FATHER and HUSBAND who takes time to spend with each of his kids every day, helping them clean their rooms and do chores. Doing laundry, and vacuuming, and taking care of the bills, the yard, the cars, the house repairs.
    And all I ask in return is for 20-30 minutes of ‘consideration’ once a week (or maybe two) for her being able to sit on her duff and eat bon-bons all week.
    Or does that futz with your narrative of a ‘lazy husband’ a bit too much?
    “what does SHE want to watch?”
    NCIS, Fringe, reality TV, generally junk of zero value, and she gets to watch all she wants, but don’t expect me to take part.
    “Being an ADULT.”
    Yeah, one with a HAPPY MARRIAGE which involves physical intimacy which restores emotional intimacy.

    You certainly sound like you look at sex like a chore. And if it IS a chore, my wife has it easy, she can’t be bothered to do that chore but once every other month or so, AND I do everything your little list includes.
    So, who’s the bitch here? Cuz it sure sounds like ME.

  • pruto

    This is the worst advice I’ve ever seen. You want your wife to WANT to have sex with you; to have carnal desire – not give it to you as a reward for a task line you’re a dog. You’re the beta bucks provider for the family. She doesn’t value this sexually. Start doing alpha stuff and watch her change. 1) lift 2.) groom / dress better 3.) flirt and do kino like you are just dating and wooing her 4.) maintain a strong masculine frame 5.) be decisive and LEAD so it’s less decisions she had to make 6.) stop begging for sex, build it up and then make it happen 7.) help with some house stuff now and then – not to be rewarded or turn some fake horny reaction on … Do it so you have more free time when the kids are down to have sec

  • Danpat

    I agree. I work more, bring home a salary that affords us to live a financially stress free life. I split kid duties, cook dinner more often, do the dishes, run all the errands at night anytime someone needs something after 6pm. I let her sleep anytime she needs it and every weekend morning she sleeps in and it’s assumed, not asked for. I politely compliment her about her looks, her intelligence and I thank her for everything she puts into the marriage of not daily, weekly. She acknowledges that our sex life isn’t healthy, but in the last seven years has not once initiated sex. I do anything and everything that she has ever asked for sexually. She basically feels guilty enough to agree to sex once every 60-90 days, but it’s pity sex. We love each other and I would never leave. It’s amazing how many women assume that men go to work, come home and sit around until their wife is ready for sex and that when we express frustration it’s because we don’t understand the burden that they live with running a family and no man contributes outside of a paycheck.

  • Frustrated

    My wife has a thyroid problem got thyroid treatment is on meds still does not work. Her hormones are all jacked up and doctor still cant fix it. She takes a butt load of vitamins and does not work. We do not have kids. I have done the honey doos and talk nice to her etc etc. It does not work. I do a bunch on stuff around the house and thinking great I am gonna get some but she just says I am tired. She says she loves me very much and I love her as well. When we do have sex it is like pity sex. She is not into it. She never kisses me never really gets into it. It makes me feel like I am ugly to her or something. I am at a loss and so frustrated! Someone help please!

  • Brian

    My wife dont get honry anymore after having a baby. I always take care of myself sometimes 2 times a day. Always dreaming of sex.