The irony of writing a sex column and sex book for parents is that there's a good chance it won't reach the moms who really need to read it. That's because according to a recent Harvard research study, of the 40% of women who identify having sex problems,
only 12% actually seek help.
Now, thanks to the internet, getting help with sex problems -- particularly for moms who are already overextended and don't necessarily have the desire to hire a sitter so she and her spouse can sit in a sex therapist's office talking about why she's not interested in giving him a blow job -- has become much more accessible. And really, there's a good chance that on one of her Google searches, she'll find herself upon this sex column and perhaps get the answers she needs.
But let's face it. For the average person, the topics that the Mominatrix covers can be a little over the top, especially if crazy for you is having sex in the closet or with the lights on. And if she might be interested in finding a book to help her out, there's a good chance she won't be stumbling upon the
The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex which warms the shelves of the "sexuality" section at most book stores, a place where most moms who need help with sex would never dare to enter.
And really, those of you whose ears (and other parts) perk up at the thought of a sex book for moms probably aren't the ones who need to buy it. Save the few chapters at the end, the bulk of the book is aimed at new and post-partum moms, and/or moms and their spouses who need help getting the spark relit in their relationship, not for those of you who are looking to plan a neighborhood orgy.
And as you might have guessed, you're in the minority. You sexy tweeters, bloggers, and sex-connoisseurs, with your porn collection and box of sex toys, who hopped right back into the sack after having a baby with your libido firmly beaten into submission with your whip that hardly had time to collect dust, you probably don't need advice on how to be a naughty mom.
Just sayin'.
But for most moms, whether it takes them a few months or a few years, figuring out how to marry their mom self with their former sexy self into some semblance of a human being that actually wants to pick sex over sleep is a challenge.
But what they don't realize, is that in most cases, solving sex problems can be as easy as strapping something on or lubing something up. In fact, according to clinical sexologist
Dr. Richard Wagner, and
recent Mominatrix podcast guest, most of his clients are seen for less than eight sessions. EIGHT. That's shorter than those mommy and baby music classes. And even more telling is that for the most part, the issues that arise between couples and the questions he receives are easily resolved with simple, uncomplicated tasks -- try phone sex experiments, watching porn, or reading erotic romance novels to each other.
It probably takes more time and effort to sleep train your kid than it would to solve most of the sex issues moms are having these days. But moms seem way more motivated to get their kids to sleep than they do to tend to their own sexual needs.
And probably for good reason.
But that doesn't mean sex needs to be at the bottom of the list, and really, if they're experiencing pain, discomfort, or let's face it, a lack of enjoyment, you shouldn't be surprised that folding sheets takes priority over a romp in them.
The resolution for all of this seems bleak. Clearly, chatting about sex problems isn't exactly comfortable playgroup fodder. It's much easier (and funnier) to complain about a sex-crazed husband than it is to talk about how he hasn't been able to get you to come in over two years. And it's way more socially acceptable to spend your time engulfed in your child's existence rather than shop for a sex toy that will get you off, even though if you're getting off, then you'll be happier with yourself, with your relationship, and with your kid.
The best way to start helping moms get laid is making them feel comfortable talking about it. There's no shame in sex, just in not having great sex.
