What happened to my husband’s sex drive?

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Thanks to the hordes of whiny housewives who can’t stop bitching about how they have to fend off their husbands’ nightly sexual advances, the few women with spouses who’d rather sleep it off than beat it off are left wondering what the hell is wrong with them. Apparently a hard day of wiping asses and folding underpants hasn’t stolen their libidos, and they long for the day when they are awoken by their husband’s hard penis and not his snoring. Take this reader’s plight:

Dear Mominatrix, I would LOVE to see a column devoted to women who have higher sex drives than their husbands. The fact that such a dynamic is rarely (ever?) addressed in the articles I read makes me feel like a complete freak of nature.  In all the books and advice websites, it’s always the woman who isn’t in the mood, who has the headache, who’d rather cuddle.

Before I offer my thoughts on your libido-less husband, let’s just establish that you’ve exhausted all your options – you know, done your fair share of lingerie wearing, ball grabbing, and crotch straddling all of which are met with the standard, “Not tonight honey, maybe later, and could you please get your hand off my penis.”

With that out of the way, chances are you’ve asked yourself, “Is it me?” It’s a logical reaction – to look inward in times of stress and sexlessness, but let’s be frank. You are clearly not a freak. Look at the true freaks who do get laid in this world. Roseanne Barr has biological children and my own mother-in-law probably still gets it every now and then. Put plainly, men are not known for being picky. A mouth is a mouth, and when jailed for longer than a four year sentence, an asshole is even apparently a decent substitute for a vagina.

Keeping that in mind, I have to believe that unless you answer “yes” to any of the below criteria, you are not the problem, and honestly, even then, I’d have to say that you still would have a chance to get some from someone, albeit yourself (which isn’t such a bad deciding factor or option in your current situation):

Does your dildo go soft when you try to use it?

Do you require large farm equipment to remove you from a bed?

Do you have a disfiguring and rancid case of genital herpes?

Have you threatened your spouse with dangerous kitchen utensils so that he should fear for his life?

No’s across the board, right? Good.

So, I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s not you, so it has got to be your husband. Statistics show that most men who are cheating show hypersexual behavior, so you can probably rule that one out. And while stress and sleep deprivation can certainly affect sexual desire and performance, I’ve got to think that if you’re up for it after your long days as a mother (working out of home or not), then long days at the job that do not involve chasing around little brats and putting them in time out are no excuse. So, let’s look at a few other possibilities:

He’s all used up from all those dirty whores in college. Not so far off considering men hit their sexual prime at around 17.

He’s old and crusty, although so is Hugh Hefner and he doesn’t seem to have a problem (if you take the three hot blondes and the Viagra into consideration).

He’s gay. Quick quiz will answer that – does he religiously watch The Real World, does he know that Jimmy Choo is a shoe designer and not a Chinese chef, and, the kicker, does he perk up when you offer to wear a beard and let him stick you in the ass?

But really, chances are he’s been sucked in by the sexed-out housewife club and thinks he’s doing you a favor by letting you sleep, when really he might just need to know it’s a priority for you. I’ve never quite figured out how a spouse can miss the message his naked wife trying to grab his dick is sending, but perhaps you need to take a different approach – a conversation? A lengthy discussion? An email?

Also, there’s definitely a bit of weight to the notion that he might be having trouble seeing you as a sexual being since becoming a mother. I’d blame society over you for that, but apparently mothers are highly undesirable unless they’re sporting no visible evidence that they ever had children. Perhaps finding time together that doesn’t involve the kids will help balance that out for him.

And if that doesn’t make things clear to him, I suggest the following highly effective techniques (with consideration to your husband’s personality, of course):

Be playful. If you don’t go bare down there, shave or wax and give him a little preview. Flash a boob – just make sure to take out the nursing pads first.

Be proactive. Masturbate while he’s sleeping next to you and don’t be afraid to wake him up with the buzzing of your dildo. Grab some porn (preferably one without gay men) and enjoy it. A lot.

Be desired.
Tell him about the hot young guy at the grocery store who gave you a double take. Sure, maybe it was the creepy old dude behind the deli counter, but he doesn’t need to know that.

Be anal… I mean, organized. You might have to schedule sex, which sounds incredibly boring and lame, however, if you’re not getting any at all, beggars can’t be choosers. I highly recommend doing it somewhere other than your bedroom – even consider getting a babysitter and a hotel room. This way, you’ll both be able to gear up and get some sleep before the big night, and eliminate a few definite mood killers. Nothing can zap an erection like a screaming snotty-nosed toddler.

And when all else fails, there’s never a better time to either declare your bi-sexuality, knock monogamy off its pedestal, or update your “freebie” list.

Let’s just hope that you didn’t have it laminated.

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