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For Valentine's Day this year, the Mominatrix is taking the mystery out of gift shopping with a little help from a slew of sexy dads. Check out their favorite sexy gifts that'll be sure to get you struck by Cupid's arrow. Hard.
Thongs thongs thongs - that's what you might think a guy wants, but if you don't own a pair of boy shorts, then you (and your partner) are clearly missing out. A sexy boy short can be way more subtle (and hey, comfortable) than a thong, and they're a simple, subtle way to express your sensuality. I'm a fan of these lace-trim boy shorts from Victoria's Secret - playful, erotic, and best of all, cheeky.
I love my wife to pluto and back. She's my best friend in the whole world and the mother of my 3 sons. And I think she is beautiful on the inside and on the outside. But never in a zillion years would i have imagined her as a Playboy centerfold, until my 40th birthday when I was presented with a Fed Ex package with racy photos of the hottest woman in the world in sexy (but tasteful) poses showing her off in a totally new light! It got me so hot and bothered that i couldn't wait to get home and have my way with her.
It was eye-opening to say the least and something I'll have to preserve her beauty forever.
Mominatrix says: Find a boudoir photographer near you to create your own sexy photos.
For those days that sex sounds a lot like taking the kids to the swimming pool (You know: It'll be fun once you get there, but it's the "getting there" that's the problem.), the things I find sexy are those that generate a spark -- a knotted scarf, an erotic story, ("a buff, teenage werewolf!" my wife is yelling to me from the other room), or, sometimes, a Nookii card.
Nookii is a game I bought many, many Valentine's Days ago, and it goes like this: Each partner gets a card and on that card is an instruction, either something to do, or something to ask your partner to do. Cards have three categories, mmm, ooh, and aah, depending on how big of a "spark" you're looking for. The game also has rules, dice, a timer, and a scarf, most of which we've ended up discarding over the years. We kept the cards though. And if it had come with a buff, teenage werewolf, we would've kept that, too, I'm sure.
You want to know what's sexy to me? Nudity. There's clearly a time and a place for lingerie and items of clothing that provocatively hide certain bits, but nothing fires me up more than looking at the female form in all its glory. Get yer ya-yas out! Save that lace and bows and frilly shit for the next time you wrap a bridal shower gift or something. Take it off!
Everybody needs a little spice in their lives. It's great to have a regular partner, but after enough times, the Crab position will seem as mundane as the Missionary. So what can you do to change things up a bit?
Costumes and role playing!
It'll be easy to resuscitate your sex life dressed in a sexy nurse costume. You could break out the handcuffs and read him his rights. Or you can be his Super Bowl halftime show. If your pocketbook isn't deep this year, just grab your shortest skirt, a pair of pom-poms, and improvise the rest.
All is you need is your imagination. And very skimpy costumes. A word of warning to the guys: if your wife/partner constantly wants you to dress up like a UPS man, a plumber, or a cable installer, you might want to get her a full-time job.
To me, the sexiest woman is the one who is happy in her own skin. I know this isn’t the easiest thing for some (most? all?) women to be, especially if they’ve had kids. But basically, sexy is all in the mind. If you can come to your partner, and say you feel sexy, and mean it, it’s going to be a great night.
So at the risk of sounding overly simplistic, the best way to sex up your Valentine’s Day is to get something that makes you feel like you could walk out your front door and cause a three-car pile-up.
It would also help to do a little research into what your man likes. I, for example, can be buckle-kneed by a woman wearing nothing but a men’s button-down and a book of Cryptic Crosswords. Because I am most turned on when I can think with both heads.
As a guy, I find shopping for my wife to be only slightly easier than my giving birth to a baby. The best thing I can ask for for Valentine's Day is for my wife to buy something for herself, but that we will both enjoy -- say, a sex toy. On the top of my list would be the Jollies Thrust, a fantastic toy that doesn't look at all like a penis, so your husband won't be intimidated by it, and better, if the kids accidentally find it you can pretend it's a Star Trek phaser or something like that.
Now I realize that lingerie is the standard Valentine's day gift, but usually it's us giving it to you and it doesn't fit or isn't comfortable. If you give it to yourself and then wear it for us, guess what? WE LOVE IT, especially if it's something new. Just go for sexy, not necessarily functional, like a teddy or a babydoll.
And if those don't seem to do the trick, there's always a new computer.
This year, I gave my wife the gift that means never having to say you're sorry. The gift that keeps on giving. The gift of Love - happy-accident-free love. The gift of myself - specifically, a couple of centimeter-long clipped pieces of my vas deferens.
I gave my wife a vasectomy.
Wait -- that came out wrong. I GOT a vasectomy.
Really, what better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than with worry-free sex? A quick and simple procedure, a few days of discomfort, and voila! No more condoms for you, no more pills or diaphragms or IUD's for her. Birth control is a pain in the ass and can really take the romance out of sex. So can babies. (Nothing, except maybe watching a Rush Limbaugh sex tape, kills a boner faster than a shrieking infant). Fellas, get snipped and -- following a few days of lying around on the couch watching TV and eating cold pizza in a Vicodin-induced haze, which, hey, bonus! -- every day can be Valentine's Day!
And to show your appreciation, ladies, wear one of these when you're back in the saddle: a corset -- the other gift that keeps on giving.
The most romantic gift a man can receive for Valentine's day is the gift of anticipation. I imagine that all you women know that men like sex (man's definition of romantic = penetration!) and sexy lingerie (he knows you're thinking of him!). They all mean so much more when you man knows you have the sexy underwear on, and that he's going to get into them in a few hours.
Building up anticipation of a great night of sex is the most romantic when it lasts all day. He might like to get an email when he gets to work telling him that you put on a pair of your special panties that morning, and isn't he curious to know which ones? Later, a phone call telling him that you look forward to dinner at a nice restaurant (presuming he was romantic enough to make reservations), but you hope to eat fast so that you can get home early to celebrate with a glass of champagne and some closed doors. Maybe dinner might include a gentle toe in the crotch, or some winks and sly grins. Maybe tell him, over the appetizer, that you can't wait to get him home and into the sack.
In the end, all of the romantic (read: sexy) things you can do or get for your man are amplified in effect when he knows that they are all waiting for him - all he has to do is be patient.
Or, blow him in an elevator. That's good, too.
A twist on what Simon said above, you can also surprise your husband and take the reins instead. Usually the onus is on the dad to make arrangements for a special night out, so turn the tables on him -- this time you get Grandma to take the kids overnight, you make the restaurant reservation, you book the hotel.
And after a romantic dinner, let him know you want -- nay, NEED -- him inside you as soon as possible. Hurry up to your hotel room and continue to take charge. Rip his clothes off, push him on the bed, and proceed to have your way with him. Don't worry about a lack of foreplay -- if your man appreciates strong women like I do, he'll be ready for another more prolonged session within the hour.
Remember, men can have insecurities, too -- by showing him you still think he's hot stuff and that he turns you on as much as when you first met, you'll boost his ego as well as the bloodflow to his erection, making for a lovemaking session the two of you are unlikely to forget for a long time.
Shameless plug: is your sweetie expecting or a new mom? The Mominatrix Guide to Sex is a great gift to help that naughty mom get her groove back after birth.
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Jason Avant - 
Simon - 
