Mominatrix

Five ways to spruce up your vag for spring

By Kristen Chase

With the season's change, you'll find no shortage of helpful spring cleaning how-tos. Declutter your closet! Scrub your shower! Mop your floor so your husband can eat you off of it! Cleanliness is next to godliness, you know, and with all the naughtiness you've been up to in your bedroom, you probably need all the help that you can get.

But as much time as you spend cleaning a rug that will be trashed by toys and a hallway that will covered in dirt in a matter of seconds, why not spend time tidying up your own special rug and hallway, and give the whole "spring has sprung" a whole new meaning.

1. Kegel Camp

Before you clean up the carpet, you've got to tidy up the hallway. Or in this case, tighten up the hallway. And "Sex with Emily" podcast host Emily Morse has just the thing - her recently launched Kegel Camp, an app that's like a mini boot camp for your vagina. If you can get past the shameless self promotion of her podcast, website, and new book that comes out in October 2011 (which you should totally order while you're grabbing a copy of my book now on Kindle!), the app itself is actually pretty handy, giving you visual, audio, text, and even vibration cues for you to do three sets of exercises per level. The more often you exercise the higher the level you'll achieve (nine, to be exact). The best part has to be the reminder, which will ping your phone with a text for the time you've set for your workout.

2. Lelo Luna Beads

It's tough to get a job done with the right tools, and nothing does the vagina good like Ben Wa balls. The Lelo Luna beads are to Ben Wa balls as a Swiffer is to a mop. Sure, you can drag out your bucket and string mop, but the Swiffer is so much more efficient. The set includes four weighted balls for novices and experts as well as a composition girdle to help ensure that the balls don't roll down the hallway and get stuck in the closet. Insert an individual ball (with a retraction leash) or both balls in the girdle like a tampon and then go on your merry way. The weight of the balls combined with your every day movements will automatically stimulate your PC muscle and whip it into shape.

3. Hair Care Down There Kit

Pet owners know that cat hair can be a nuisance. So grab your pussy and take it to the groomer or just trim things up on your own with the Hair Care Down There kit. You'll get everything you need to create the perfect style - including razors, stencils, and even a clear shaving gel. If you're not comfortable doing it on your own, ask for help. Extra hands will always get the job done more efficiently.

4. Betty Beauty

Rumor has it that bush is the new Brazilian. If your fall color is looking a little dull and drab, brighten it up with Betty Beauty, a special formulated dye just for pubic hair. Whether you want to try a new natural shade, or want to follow this season's trends - bright colors are hot - you've got more than enough choices. Like hair dye, you'll want to be sure to do a skin test before you take the plunge. An itchy rash isn't a very pretty welcome mat.

5. Vajazzling

Some women love their walls bare, but beautiful art can make a home seem much more inviting. A simple design, applied on your own or with the help of a professional, can go a long way. Keep that in mind when you decide how much "jazz" you put on your vag.

And once you're spruced up for spring, don't obsess about keeping things pristine. Dirty girls have all the fun.



Read more: mominatrix, sex

You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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