Itty Bitty vs. Teeny Weeny

By Kristen Chase
For years, women have complained about being superficially judged by men based on their breast size. Down with the sexist, chauvinist who declares his disinterest in itty-bitty titties.
Cue bra burning, hair pulling, and huge bills at plastic surgeons everywhere.

Yes, right, sorry. The boobs are totally for you and not your boob-obsessed spouse.

So perhaps small breasts are not a deal breaker for all men. Sweeping generalizations aside, certainly there are men that appreciate more about a woman than just her breasts. You know, like her taut vagina and Jennifer Lopez ass.

But seriously, call it genetics, the "hunter/gatherer" genotyping, or whatever other "scientific" term a bunch of men in bow ties and lab coats have come up with. Boobs may matter, but then men can close their eyes, put their penis in a warm, wet place, and go about their business, completely unaffected by the size of the breasts involved.

However, that's nothing compared to how men can be judged by women based on their penis size.

Now it's pretty clear that a dude came up with the "it's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean" saying because most women will say that size does matter. It is the friction and the accurate thwacking of the g-spot, after all, that wins the prize at the end. Of course, an inch or two in length or a centimeter or so in girth isn't going to make a huge difference in the long (or wide) scheme of things.

But there's just something incredibly erection killing, for a woman that is, when a man whips out his Johnson and instead you see a TWP (Teeny Weeny Peenie).

To be fair, there are some benefits to a TWP. For women who achieve more pleasure through oral sex and/or hand stimulation, dick size might not be a priority. And it's no coincidence that many TWPs, who are clearly lacking the thunder down under, are fantastic at cunnilingus.

If you're a finger-in-your-ass type girl, you could be easily converted to an anal-sex-type girl, which has a fabulous, sort of "porn star" ring to it. And depending on the size of the TWP, you could even upgrade to a finger-dick two-fer if you're feeling extra adventurous.

And given that the TWP could be likened to a straw, giving fellatio is far less exhausting, almost like enjoying a milkshake. With less calories and more protein.

But as for the actual sexual intercourse, there's just no motion that can make up for a lack in size. And no matter how hard you imagine that the TWP is actually a BFD (Big Fucking Dick), it's still there, swaying back and forth in your vagina, which now seems to be more like a grand foyer and less like an intimate tunnel of love.

You go to the OB/GYN to get your PAP swab. You don't need it in the bedroom.

Sadly, aside from the penis pump, there's really no silicone cure for the TWP. So the next time you feel judged by your small breasts or flat ass, just remember that at least they make water bras and butt shapers.

The only thing they make for TWPs are roofies.

Read more: mominatrix, sex

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Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.


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