If the post-partum sex is still actually occurring in your household and is not a figment of your imagination or hasn’t manifested into the form of an online porn addiction, then either you must have an incredibly sound sleeping child or you’re engaging in the dreaded silent sex.
As all good parents learn, no sexual act is worth waking up a child and so parents decide that if there’s something that has to go, it’s the dirty talk. You shove your face into a pillow or a dick into your mouth just for the sake of keeping the baby asleep.
When it comes to sex, we all know that silence is not golden. Granted, you don’t want your kid’s first words to be “It’s soooo big” but let’s be frank — didn’t you endure enough silent sex all throughout high school? And really, who wants to hear the sloshing and slurping of real, live, unedited sex? I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s let out a well-placed groan in order to cover the rhythm of two sweaty private parts slapping together on a hot summer night. A strategically planted gasp covers even the loudest queef. And a “that’s so good don’t stop” almost makes my husband come on cue.
Dirty talk is definitely a fine art. It can be the ultimate foreplay and it can change mediocre sex to porn-star sex in a matter of a few sentences. For some men and women, dirty talk is almost like a second language. Many try but few actually master the art of using words as an aphrodisiac. And while no one really likes to figure out how or why someone is so incredibly good at seducing you with their words, it can certainly make or break a sexual encounter.
But when you’ve been doing “let’s pretend we’re two wooden boards doing it” type of sex for so long, the dirty talk gets just a little rusty. And when you’ve been saying “ah-boo” 147 times to your infant son and explaining why Boots sounds like a girl but looks like a monkey for half the day, coming up with something other than, “Oh your big dick feels so good,” can be a bit challenging.
So, I offer you the Mominatrix Guide to Dirty Talk:
- Keep It Simple. No one has time to flip through a thesaurus or the brain cells to figure out what the hell you’re trying to say when you tell your spouse, “Your magnanimous penis gives me fervent pleasure.” Just say something like, “Your dick makes me hot,” and continue on. Any type of penis talk that has something to do with its large size, long length, and amazing “power that is unmatched by anything in this universe” usually works pretty well.
- Never Ask Questions. Always keep your statements in the affirmative. If you ask something like, “Tell me what you want,” chances are I’d tell you, “A big cheese steak and 14 hours of sleep,” and we all know what that does to an erection. Start everything with “I want you to…” so there will be no question that you want a fucking orgasm now.
- Be Literal. Analogies can be the death of any man’s chances with a woman. “Your voice sounds just like Nancy Grace” might be a compliment for some woman in the remote sections of Mississippi, but in my neck of the woods, something like that will leave you with a couple of blue balls. The same goes for women – don’t compare your husband to anyone. “Your pecs look just like Brad Pitt’s” will make them think you’re lying and that will open up a whole can of very bad worms.
- Use Your Real Voice. While it might be difficult, make every attempt to use your own voice as opposed to some weird variation that may have taken over your body since having children. The high-pitched excited mommy voice says sex just as well as Gilbert Godfrey telling you to take off all your clothes.
- Never Underestimate the Power of a Groan. Just make sure they are strategically placed (like when your spouse is actually in the room), don’t sound like anything that would come out of your kid’s mouth, and are dissimilar to anything that comes out of your mouth during labor or when you’re taking a shit.
And along with these tips, I recommend purchasing a white noise machine, or better, start playing Sade to your baby as a lullaby. Who said parenthood was all about sacrifice?