Mominatrix

The little blue pill -- does it do anything?

By Kristen Chase
If you’re wondering why your husband suddenly has the sexual stamina of a porn star, you might suspect that he’s doing some sort of masturbation interval training to help improve his overall endurance.

But then again, he’s probably been doing that since the 7th grade, and chances are his self pleasure regimen hasn’t had him winning any marathons.

Now you could be dealing with a whiskey dick, which for some men means an extended erection. However, you’d probably also notice the strong stench of alcohol on his breath and his less than stellar coordination.

So if he doesn’t smell like the local dive bar and can walk a straight line, he might have taken a little blue pill.

Yep, that’s right. Viagra.

Apparently it’s not just for the Hugh Hefners of the world. The drug is now making its way into the hands of 30- and 40-something dudes who think a half-day erection will be like taking their wife on a series of amusement park rides.

Too bad they didn’t check to make sure she wouldn’t just rather the play skee ball and water gun races.

Consider this completely fictional scenario:

Your husband draws a bath on a night when he’s usually watching a reality golf show and then begs you to traipse around and bend over in your sex underwear (you know, the ones that are so fucking uncomfortable to wear for longer than two minutes). You think that you have lost a lot of weight and well, it’s about time he noticed. And so you play along for a little while and it’s amazing, until you’ve gone through every position you know except the one that involves you standing on your head which you’ve since retired because you’re afraid that if you do that your parts might not actually go back again and then he tells you that he’s ready for more and which point you slyly look at the clock and notice it’s been 30 minutes longer than any type of sex you’ve had in the last decade and then you feel really old and matronly until he whispers “I took a Viagra” in your ear and you realize that your husband has not been overwhelmed by your luscious beauty but rather has a raging drug-fueled hard-on that he can’t get rid of thanks to a bunch of Viagra pills his work colleague gave him.

No major side effects, well other than a wife with a bruised ego and vagina, and penis you’d be proud to hang your hat on for the next few hours.

Now in theory, the extended erection can be an asset to a lovemaking session, particularly if your climaxing tends to be out of sync. And if you’re interrupted by a screaming baby or nosy toddler, you don’t have to worry about taking precious time to restart both engines.

But other than those small benefits, recreational Viagra should come with a special label warning users with children to be aware of the possible hazards.

A hard penis can be highly entertaining, but like almost all good things in life, save maybe back rubs from Ryan Reynolds, after awhile they turn into that annoying Great Aunt who just won’t leave you alone no matter what you try to do to get her to shut the fuck up.

Clearly, a penis can wear out his welcome.

And when you might not be leaving the welcome mat out very often in your house, being smothered with one might not be the best way to get you going.

This does not mean parents don’t like to have long nights of crazy sex. And clearly, if your spouse has any issues with erectile dysfunction, Viagra can quite handily solve those problems for you.

But let’s face it. You can pretty much get what you need out of a thirty-minute love making session. An hour might tide you over for a week. But anything over that amount of time and you might find yourself entering the dead zone, also known as the “I’d rather be dead” zone.

If you’re interested in giving it a try, you might want to gear up for it and make sure you’ve got a babysitter, extra lube, and a water bottle near by. Pace yourself and take breaks when you need it. Stretch often.

And keep in mind that just because he’s got the four-hour hard on, doesn’t mean you’ve got to give the four-hour blow job. That’s why they invented porn.

Check out Mominatrix and Whipping Boy hashing this subject out further over on the Mominatrix podcast.


You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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