Sex for One, Again

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I can’t count how many times I’ve picked up a self-help-your-sex-life book and read that getting away without your kids more often than not is the key to a fulfilled love life. Really? You mean one whole night where my where my spouse and I can just attach ourselves together by a hard appendage without being interrupted by an offspring can help us?  I’m so glad they paid some PhD to write a book about the incredibly obvious.

What I do wish they’d mention, however, is how important some quality alone time can be. It’s one thing to get away from the kids, but another to get away from the big hairy one that sleeps next to you too. Sometimes a few days alone can be just what you need to emotionally, physically, and hell, sexually re-energize yourself.

I’ve long sung the praises of masturbation as a satisfying and essential part of a sexual relationship. The only problem is that what mom actually has time to do it? Doing a quick scan of my day, I’d have to hire a babysitter just to masturbate, and quite frankly, I’d probably stare at my vibrator for a few seconds and then run over to my computer so I could get some uninterrupted work done. My showers are barely long enough for me to shave one complete leg let alone bring myself to climax, and since I share a bed with a very light sleeping someone, the only real chance I get to masturbate is when he’s away. And lately, that’s never.

I wouldn’t sound so desperate for an evening alone with my favorite rubber fellows, however thanks to my pregnancy, I’ve been too sick and exhausted for real person sex. And then when I’m not feeling sick and exhausted, any guaranteed orgasm position feels only mildly better than someone inserting a speculum and doing a PAP.

Basically I’m left feeling somewhat violated and extremely horny.    

So when I was afforded three straight days alone in a quiet hotel room with a large comfortable king-sized bed and a giant television, I did what any horny mom would do.

I ordered porn and masturbated.

Now granted it’s not something that I planned out in advance – no sneaking vibrators through security or anything – but laying down on a nice big comfy bed with some hot chick telling me that I can order her movie and it won’t come up on my bill was motivation enough for me to oblige her request.


The fascinating thing about sensational singular sex is that it really doesn’t take that long, particularly if you’ve been fairly deprived. In fact, it’s too bad they don’t just do previews for these movies because then I wouldn’t have had to waste $30 just to get a couple of orgasms. And even worse, I wouldn’t have had to watch really terrible porn, which I generally don’t realize is terrible until I’ve gone about three minutes into it, done “the deed”, and then look up to see large fake boobs and a fairly unattractive dude all smushed together on my suddenly extremely large television screen. So now I’m way less horny but still feeling somewhat violated.

Thankfully the titles don’t show up on your hotel bill these days. But even if they had, I honestly wouldn’t have cared. It was a few bucks and about six minutes well spent on giving myself a little tender loving care. Plus it’s confirmation that I still am a pretty cheap date.

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