While you’ve been off trying to recover from Spring Break, the traditional start of summer has arrived. And other than the countdown for wild children chasing you around for a straight three months beginning, it means one thing – Bathing suit season is upon us.
There are probably only a few things that moms hate worse than having to corral kids in a tiny dressing room while trying on hordes of terrible swimsuits that you vowed you’d never ever let near your precious figure. Now look. Relegating yourself to a mommy swimsuit is one thing. Having a mommy bush to go with it is totally unacceptable. It’s one thing to have to stuff your wiggly bits into a tankini. It’s a whole other ball game when you’re tucking in pubic hairs.
So when I happened upon the Hair Care Down There Ultimate Shaving Kit, I figured it might just be the perfect Memorial Day. You know, good food, good beer, good bush.
The kit itself leaves no hair unshaved, unless you purposely want it that way. The winner of several awards, you know, if you care about that thing, it promises professional results at home or your money back.
I’d love to hear that call to customer service. “Hi there. I’m having really bad bush issues and I need to return your kit.”
Now, I’ve experimented with my own fair share of crotch couture, and shaving is definitely a viable option for folks who are afraid of getting their hair ripped out and prefer to enjoy a few-hour long stint with their leg up under the bright shiny lights of their bathroom.
Basically, shaving can work, but if you’ve never done it before, or haven’t done it in awhile, it’s not something that you can do while your spouse is packing up the car for your weekend beach trip. Depending on which look you are attempting to perfect, you might want to book a babysitter and empty out your Dyson filter.
If you’ve got no clue as to where to start, the Ultimate Shaving Kit is certainly a good way to dive in to the world of crotch styling, offering owners a colorful and explicit guide to everything you did and didn’t want to know about shaving. Basically, you could pop this baby in with your spouse’s (or your) nudie mags and it would fit right in. It’s chock full of interesting articles. Right.
The helpful hints are indeed helpful, and the guide walks you through each “look,” from the basic bikini, to the heart-shaped bush, with easy step-by-step directions. And everything you need (and probably don’t) like a comb, scissors, brush, mirror, razor, and various lotions and potions, are all packed in a discrete and sturdy carrying pack.
The kit also includes a few titillating extras, like a handy landing strip and heart shaped stencil and drawing pencil, so you can appeal to your (or your spouse’s) artistic side. And don’t forget the all important bush bindi, perfect for adorning a newly bald pussy.
But all these lovely items basically just make a perfect bachelorette gift or a goofy baby shower gag unless the accessories actually do give you the professional look. And I’m betting that at some level they would, if the kit actually included a professional to do the shaving for you.
I discussed previously, I have various gripes about shaving, starting from the time factor (which includes the actual act and then the clean-up process), but also from the aesthetic standpoint. Regardless of how often you shave or how long you have been shaving, it’s nearly impossible to get a totally smooth bush. And while the lack of hair can certainly be more pleasing in more ways than one, a rough 5 ‘o clock shadow, at least for me, is almost just as bad as an untamed bush.
There are, of course, specific techniques that you must follow in order to achieve perfect smoothness. These include, but are not limited to, a warm shower, shaving with the grain of the hair, and using a good razor and shaving cream. The latter are definitely provided in the Ultimate Shaving Kit, in fact, I’m a huge fan of their clear shaving gel (genius!). But let’s face it. Shaving your crotch is incredibly awkward, in fact, it’s like watching a 3-year-old ice a wedding cake. Add a landing strip stencil with a colored pencil that washes off way too easily and you’re lucky if you can let that thing pass as a lightening bolt it’s so damn crooked. Truth be told, I ended up with a Bedazzled Brazilian because the off-center landing strip just didn’t cut it.
The Hair Care Down There Ultimate Shaving Kit is definitely great in theory and will earn you brownie points at your next party, but I’d say grab their Bikini Shaving Solution Kit and be done with it. Regardless of what fancy tools you use to get that hair off, it might be worth it just to drop down a bathing suit size.
Think I’m kidding? I’ve seen some of you on the beach. And you know what I’m talking about.
(Standalone Bikini Shaving Solution Kit: 4/5)