Orgasmic Birth

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If you’ve been wondering where the hell your “Big O” went, apparently you might want to consider giving birth naturally. According to Orgasmic Birth, a new movie featuring personal vignettes and expert opinions from various well and little known midwives, doctors, and moms, women can actually experience ecstasy during a non-medicated labor and delivery.

I can practically smell the patchouli and see the hairy armpits through my computer screen.

I suppose I’m not that surprised considering there are people who get off only when dressed up like a horse being ridden by a 400 pound woman or covered in a full body rubber suit and oxygen mask, so in the grand scheme of things, a few women having an orgasm as they were pushing out their babies isn’t really that odd.

One of the featured experts, Ina May Gaskin, is a pioneer in the field of natural birth midwifery, and someone who has long discussed and touted ecstatic birth. And while I’m definitely a proponent of natural childbirth, given the right circumstances and resources for the birthing mother, I rolled my eyes during her entire chapter on the topic in her book. Not necessarily because I don’t believe it actually happens. There’s a lot of crazy shit that happens in this world that’s practically unbelievable — even crazier shit that people will do to get off.

But more so because perpetuating the idea that women possess the ability to climax during labor and delivery is not only an incredibly lame marketing technique to get women to entertain natural child birth, but it just adds to the growing list of ways mothers are bound to be made to feel like underachievers.

Clearly the act of just carrying a baby and getting it out of you however you were able to do so while still maintaining any semblance of your sanity should be applauded. We’re already bombarded with hundreds of precautions and prenatal exercises that can affect your unborn child’s ability to get into Harvard, so now we’ve got to add “coming during birth” to our list.

Supporters of orgasmic birth explain that having a baby is a continuation of your sexuality. So in order to foster an ecstatic birth, one must create an environment that was similar to the one that you were in when you made the baby.

Good luck to those of you who did it in the back seat of the car or in your mother-in-law’s bathroom.

And while I get that the making of the baby in your belly most often happened thanks to sex, I’m betting that most mothers would shiver at the thought of connecting their baby to the actual act. Fucking your husband is probably not the first thing that comes to mind when you’re trying to push the melon-sized head from your vagina. Try kicking your husband square in the balls.

So instead of actually spending money to watch this movie, I suggest perusing the pay per view section of your cable box where you’re certain to find over 400 more enjoyable ones, some of which might actually get you off right then and there, no labor and delivery required.

And considering even Gaskin says, “[orgasmic birth] is not a guarantee but it’s a possibility,” why not go with the odds and spend your money on a vibrator. Those generally come with a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

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